Redeeming Love, The Movie: A Review

For years I have openly claimed this book by Francine Rivers to be my favorite and have often shared the impact it's had on me personally. Second to the Bible, this book has been the most pertinent book I have read. The whole story of Angel tugs in my heart as it unfolds and we watch her slowly lay down her concept of love and "affection" and walk the long road, of redeeming it. "It's just fiction" yes, but it draws directly from Biblical principals and stories and was penned by a master storyteller. 

To be fair, before I recommend the book, I offer a trigger warning - if you are easily upset by various types of abuse, this one is not for you. If however, you are like me, and you identify with various types of both childhood and adult abuse, but find it cathartic to walk the road of healing through another person, then absolutely. Spend some time reading this book, but know it isn't a light one. 

I did experience a great deal of healing when I first read this book, and subsequently have undergone various life changes, trials and hurts that have made each time I read it a journey for me. Fiction or not, Angel is someone I identify with. No, I was not a prostitute, but I too had love so convoluted in my head and came to a point several times in life, where I truly believed I did not deserve it..to watch a "least of these" come into that love and learn it...wow. I will reiterate that I am well aware this particular book is fiction, however, like many books before it, this book has made a huge impact. And for me personally, has helped shape the way I view love and relationships, and caused me to seek further in God's words how to define it. 

 So all that said, when I found out they were making a movie adaptation of this beloved book, I was absolutely beside myself. I felt the adaptation of "The Last Sin Eater" (another personal favorite) was well done, and I was excited to see life pumped into the pages that have walked the last several years with me. 

When this movie was announced, I saw nothing but excitement! Many friends and media outlets posted with anticipation the coming of this film, and I did not *personally* see a single warning regarding it. Besides, I read the book. I knew what kind of content was going to be in this film. 

However, as soon as it hit the big screen, it seems people suddenly lost their minds. My best friend and I had been planning to see this movie since its announcement was made almost three years ago. As we were both aware of the story and moments of the book, we took opinions with a grain of salt, and walked into the theater today anyways with hopeful hearts.

I'm going to breakdown my review into three categories: 

cinematography and overall storytelling/character development/how well the film was done, how well the movie stuck to the book, and how I personally felt about what did and didn't make it into the film, particularly from a "concern with graphic content" standpoint. 

Film Quality: first I will just say, overall this film was, in my opinion, well done. Bear in mind, it is still a film put out by the Christian entertainment industry, and for some reason, that seems to always include at least a few unbearably cringey lines and one or two wretched accents. True to that trademark, our leading man Michael's accent was a touch on the over the top side. However, the film overall stayed away from these stereotypes. (Although when the film opened with a cheesy, overly enthusiastic whooping gold digger, I wasn't sure how it was going to go) 

The scenes of Angel as a child where somewhat...off for lack of better term. I can't put my finger on what exactly it was about them, if it was the film style (which was slightly different than "present day" scenes), the acting, or the fast pacedness of them. Overall, they did what I believe was their best to cram a lot of content for context into the film, and ultimately, I can see some of the reasoning behind the way these scenes were done. 

The landscape of the film was about as close to breathtaking as a film can get without making that the true focus of the film. They did an amazing job capturing the expanse  and beauty of the old west skies and plains. 

It was fun and fascinating to see some bigger names in the film, like Nina Dobrev (Love Hard), Jamie-Lee O'Donnell (Derry Girls), and of course, Eric Dane (Grey's Anatomy). I felt the acting was well done and the script was well written, albeit somewhat fast. 

Compared to the Book: If you had not previously read the book, you might be a touch lost (I would say could still enjoy the film though) and if you have read the book, you may feel the story was rushed. Small story lines or details were left out, but did not negatively affect overall storytelling. It was a thick book to fit into a movie though.

Concerns with Content: I love to push a boundary. I love to make people uncomfortable. And I love, love, love it when Christians dismount the high horse of holier than thou. That said, let me start this section by saying, if you read the book, you knew exactly what was going to be in this movie, and they stuck fairly close to the book. And chances are, if you read the book, it likely came with a note from the recommender, letting you know that there was graphic content. I'm not even going to call it "graphic", this book, and now movie, addresses head on, instances of and repercussions from sexual assault and rape, childhood abuse, sex trafficking, emotional manipulation and abortion, just to name a few of the tragedies we see. 

If those things will trigger you, do not read this book - do not watch this movie. I'm not saying that to be mean, but I mean it- if those things are going to cause negative emotions to spring up and take residence for a time in a way that is not productive for healing, don't partake in this story. 

If you are like me though, you identify with some hurts and feel a deep connection to the leading lady. You are therefore are able to interject yourself into her story, and as she hurts, you hurt, as she grows, you grow- and her healing begins to become your own. And where those may trigger moments of pain, you're in a space to allow you to grow too. 

A personal note: This book and movie, for me personally, are far more than entertainment. It's being dragged as "soft core porn" and "Christian erotica" - and if that's how you feel about it, you have completely missed the whole point of the story. (If however, you have the same standard for all of your media consumption, I would never ask you to violate that to watch this movie.) But each and every scene, from the abusive to the love making, were done beyond tastefully, and with purpose. Drawn from the book of Hosea, the story tackles some hard truths, and for me exposed my own warped views of love and relationships, viewing them as objects with which to bargain. As Angel traded sex for money, food or safety, I hurt for her, knowing I made trades of my own for feelings of validation and companionship that were not mine to have. A huge part of Angel's story, from which the whole name came, is learning to redefine and redeem love. Even after their marriage, Michal will not consummate the relationship with her, until she was able to view the moment not as an exchange- but a shared experience. His patience, love, and tenderness display more than just an "ideal" guy we can fantasize up, he directly shows Christlike love, and uses his marriage as a reflection of God's love to his adulterous people. 

I will reiterate- if you maintain certain standards for all of your media viewing - don't violate them. No one is forcing you to watch this movie. If however you are annihilating it due to the fact that it was penned by a Christian author, for Christ driving purposes, and you don't like the content- I urge you to jump into the story a little more. Understand why those moments of redemption are so important to the story. We don't see any explicit nudity, but we do get to witness a woman who has never known and understood love, learn it- and not just in the bedroom. In how she treats her husband overall. 

In conclusion, the movie stuck well to the book. I will own this film, and I will watch it. I will probably weep every time I watch it, as I weep every time I read it. I left today, with the same sense of "I'm redeemed" as I do when I finish the book. 

I came home and wrapped my arms around around my gracious man, I thanked him for extending grace to me, and asked him to keep being patient with me, as I will always continue to learn love, how to love better, and continue to learn how to define love by God's standard, and not my own.

the road home.

 wow. it's always so long between posts now. i'm thankful my last post wasn't such a downer..it seems whenever i have made it to the blog the last few years, that's all it has been. i have never experienced darkness like i have the last long, and seemingly endless, season of life. some of it was a result of choices i made, some of it not. but despite how it felt walking through it, that season did in fact come to an end. unlike the big crescendo of a fantastic drama, however, it ended in phases. the Father graciously wrapped up one hurt at a time, allowing me the space in my heart to process and appreciate His grace and restoration. was it the way i wanted it? no. i wanted it all over the moment i began feeling the light slip out of my grasp. but it happened exactly the way it ought to have. it happened by glorious design. and i wouldn't change it for anything. the radical change and redemption i have had in my heart, mind and life is one i would not have personally had without the journey on which i found myself. i made some truly wretched decisions, that hurt others and myself, i experienced remarkable hurt and unbearable circumstances. but God...works all things together for our good, and His glory. for so long during this time, that did not seem possible or attainable- impractical really. i got to the place where i believed the damage done was beyond healing. it felt like a mountain i would never scale. there were so many broken relationships and trusts...i was never going to come back from it all.

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or so i thought. 

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despite my stubborn and ignorant grip on all the things that were standing between me and my radical pursuit of Christ, He saw fit to instead remove them from me. you don't want to go willingly? ok. but if that is His plan, guess what sister, sooner or later His plan will come to fruition. i've learned, that when the hurting happens, growth is coming, and healing can be the result. we aren't puppets. when we get on board and decide to trust the process of redemption work, we have the opportunity to step into supernatural happenings. we get a front row seat, no a leading role in the life altering work of Christ. miracles don't just happen in the Bible. they might not happen the same way, but they do in fact happen. i look back now and i wonder how many angels i encountered the last few years. how many other things was i graciously protected from? how many times were there groanings beyond comprehension on my behalf? how many times did the hope of those who love me rise, only for me to break their hearts, once again? and how, beyond all logical reason, did they continue to love, support and pray for me, despite the way i pushed and pushed and pushed them? 

i sit here now, relishing in the grace i have experienced, and praise Him deeply for the grace He has extended. not just to me in coming home, but to those around me, to welcome me back with open arms, and say "what once was lost has been found, let us celebrate"

i confess, when the ugly stuff really started working out, "celebrate" was a far cry from where i was. i was mourning, hurting, angry and confused. but God is not a god of confusion. and as i slowly began my crawl back into his presence, the chaos in my mind began sorting out. i was able to begin seeing more clearly all i had been spared from, to see how those around me were literally being Christ to me, and that healing through Grace by Christ alone, was indeed not only possible, but His desire. our God desires restoration- we have seen it has been his pattern since the Fall. why did i think i was so special to think that didn't also apply to me? 

but now here i am, on the other side of all the things that nearly ruined me. "celebrate" is the word that exudes my every pore. i see no one as "hopeless" or "too far gone" now. i see hurting, broken people who are perfect candidates for redemption. if you grew up around the church talk or not, you're still the 99<1 to him. and now, because of the road i have walked, i am now able to see you too as worth every sacrifice made on your behalf. 

grace doesn't run out. and it won't. trust me, i have chased as far down the line of grace as i saw possible, but every time i thought "this is it- this is where grace ends" there was more grace. and the phrase that has gotten me through, that i ended up tattooing onto my body, is "grace on grace" i had not turned my back on God, but i stopped investing in the relationship, and invested instead in destructive behavior. and when things felt like they were going to crush me, i would cling to the fact that there was grace waiting for me. i'm only sorry it took me so long to actually live like there was. 

i'm sorry for the hurt i caused. but i'm not sorry one bit that it has caused me to experience a deep and radical change in my heart. that i have had the privilege to weep at the feet of Jesus, and feel in my heart an literal weight being removed, as if He said "i've been waiting for you to lay that here" it's not that he wasn't willing, i wasn't willing! i have lived out and experienced forgiveness like i read about for years. but that same miraculous extension i see in the Gospels, was extended to me! what joy to not only know that that gift is there for the taking, but to take it and hold it deeply in my heart! and be able to (hopefully) display that same love, forgiveness and grace to others! 

yes, there has indeed been some intense construction in my life the last few months. some internal, some external, but all orchestrated by the gracious hand of God.

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so let's get into some nitty gritty, shall we? i'm going to start where the healing practically did- which was november.

i

came

home

literally. i had made what became the move that set everything to unravel. and after only two weeks in what was my own personalized hell, i broke. i shattered. i called my brother-in-law, and asked him if i could come home. he didn't think twice. he said "leave now, get out, we have a bed waiting for you." i made what felt like the endless four hour drive to their home, and wept the whole way. i had thrown my whole life, and every relationship i had, away and in two short weeks my entire world: every hope, dream, and plan erupted and left me in its destructive wake. i have never in my life, and i pray never again, felt so lost. so broken. and so aimless. i don't think there was a single moment on that whole drive that my eyes were dry or my throat not raw or my heart not literally aching within my chest. the ironic thing is, i thought that was the hard part. 

but as soon as i walked into their home the weight of every decision of the previous two years set in- and the whole of my story just rushed out of me like vomit. every word, every recounting, every memory it triggered tasted foul on my own mouth. i felt like i was in this place because i deserved it. here i was, weeping in my sisters living room, no job, no home, every relationship shattered, debt beyond my ability and a car i could not afford, and absolutely no idea what to do next. 

how do you go home? 

simple. you go home. 

one mile at a time. one step at a time. one change at a time. 

and despite how overwhelming it felt, that's exactly what i did. for months, i was a shell of me, even more than i had been the last several months. i was completely void of emotion, personality..anything. i was broken. 

but this is exactly where i needed to be!! every empty hole in my heart needed to be rebuilt and refilled with the love of Christ, so i could be made truly into His image. and that work is still being done. every day. and will continue until i die. but i was a blank and broken canvas- and i was getting a do over. a second chance. a gracious second look. 

i arrived home home just before thanksgiving. my favorite holiday feels unrecognizable. i remember so little from that time. i was weeping every night. worried still about the ongoing consequences of the life i had made for myself. and despite the enormous hurt i had come through, i was not yet truly broken. i still hoped somewhere in my heart, that it was all a nightmare i was going to wake up from- and the way things had played out were not actually how they were going to play out. 

at the end of december, i determined to read my Bible every day. i selected a plan on the app where it takes you through chronologically in a year. am i a raging theologian? absolutely not. nor do i anticipate i ever will be. but it was an effort i had not had in years. i now have a 173 day streak in the Bible. and for where i was and am, that's just the boost i need to keep on going. just that little encouragement, of "youre back again today, and you were here yesterday, and by faith you'll be here again tomorrow." what a difference a few minutes at the dawn of my day in the Word has truly made. 

by january it was abundantly clear, i needed to begin reconstructing my life. where i had been on the job hunt, i upped my ante and landed one i thought was pretty great. i was being paid well and working close to home. i really felt like "i might actually get back onto my feet" but after only 3 weeks, for absurd and female ugliness reasons- i was let go. and i was heartbroken. my boss was awesome and i loved the job. to be fired cos someone didnt like me? wasn't the blow i needed at the time. or so i thought. 

it was exactly the blow i needed. i was. not. broken enough. the day after my last day, i was offered a new job. it paid less, was further away, and had coworkers i did not fit in with. but by february i began to truly experience real change. 

i dreaded going to work, but i began working on my heart's mindset and told myself every day "you have a job" i never did truly fall in love with that job, but i learned to find ways to enjoy it. it was during this time that some of the most intense changes happened for me. 

i finally went back to a doctor, and got my medications sorted out- since for ~reasons- i had stopped taking all of them. i began to feel a sense of myself returning, like i wasn't just a shell anymore. 

i began actively working on relationships. talking to people, reaching out to old friends, reconnecting and reviving. with each new milestone, my heart was more unburdened and more encouraged to keep on working towards restoration. all the while, in my minds eye, it felt like i was running and God as my coach kept shouting in my ear "i've given you what you need to keep going" and that's exactly what i did. 

after a few months at the job, i finally received a significant amount from the accident i was in. in one moment, every debt i had- a weight that literally cost me sleep and appetite, was wiped away. 

a car tied to horrible memories, i was freed from.

medical debt from said accident was finally wrapped up.

and i was finally able to pick out a car that i wanted. and drive it without debt looming over my head.   

once i began to see practical changes of more stability in my life, i started looking for a job i truly wanted. 

and to my surprise, i found it! three going on four weeks ago, i started a job i've wanted for years. and i'm loving it! i've been so crazy beyond blessed.

several weeks ago- i made a huge step in my road to restoration. and i went back to my home church. i had still been attending church, but in some capacity, it was an escape- i did not want to go back. but being back has been the last touch of balm i needed. its been the urge i have needed to keep doing the hard work.

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all this healing. all this redemption. all this restoration. parts of myself that had seemed to die so long ago, began to wake up and spring forth. i was laughing again, i was silly again! i was plugging into my family again. having conversations with my parents again. getting coffee with my sister again. i was finally witnessing on the external, what had been working out on the internal. with the spring of this year, came a beautiful rendering of my own soul. i finally felt truly alive. i felt joy. i experienced emotion again (if you know me, you know i cry all the time- something i hadn't done much of for a while) i now freely express myself and weep when i feel i need to weep- be it joy or mourning, i feel deeply again. all those holes and cracks and shattered bits have begun to feel like they are being put right again. 

in the midst of this hurt healing, and joy rising, the Lord saw fit to meet my ache for companionship. i have always longed for my partner. and when i felt i was ready, and after praying for a while and conferring with my therapist, despite it being "too soon" for some, i put myself back out there. there were a few times i felt "this was too soon" but at what i truly believe was the right time, there was my J. having had a story of his own, we found each other, realized we had many mutual connections, and hurts that could be shared, and we fell in love. every moment with him is a blessing. the way he kisses the top of my head when im mad at myself for being too emotional. the way he graciously always points me back to Christ. the way he has lovingly stepped into my healing and touched those hurts with tender hands. i believe firmly in my heart, that the Father brought him at the right time, in the right way, and by His own perfect design. J is the biggest blessing of my life. he is a gift i regularly praise the Father for.

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i sit here now, and look back on all i have come through. i am overwhelmed. that girl feels like such a stranger. how did i intentionally cause such incredible pain to those who have loved me since birth? i will never comprehend that. at the time, i did not consider how my actions would impact them so. but i see it now. i still see those hurts on some faces, and work up the courage to reach out and address them. its been messy, but oh so worth it. the bonds i have with those around me now are far stronger than they ever have been. the motivation i have to continue cultivating healthy and Christ-centered relationships only grows stronger every day. i am continually left speechless when i consider the mud i was pulled out from, the squalor i was saved from, and the life i was rescued from. i would not be here today, if Christ had not pushed aside the logic of my mind, for the supernatural healing of His hand. 

God be praised.

you all be blessed.

love forever,

M

the joy of these kids delights my heart abundantly

celebrating Christ sanctioned unions!

rejoicing for new wheels

falling every day more in love with this incredible man

praising Jesus all the time for bringing me back to all of these open arms

What I have

 I tore open my computer just now. I want to write this while my mind is good, because when the demons come back to play, I want to remind myself that their battle doesn't last forever. 

My therapist asked me last week, "what are you proud of?"

I sat there in raw emotionlessness, as tears gripped my throat, and started to silently slip down my face. 

"nothing" I finally mumbled. 

She sat for a moment, "nothing?" 

I brought my eyes from mindlessly looking at the floor to look into hers, "everything I worked so hard for...I lost. I am proud of nothing right now."

I love to see the human side of my therapist, and when sad shock swept across her face, I kept going. 

"I worked really hard and got a job to support myself, I moved out, I had my own place to live my own car, took care of all my own bills, I had lost a ton of weight I felt SO good and so healthy. I started losing these things, but I found a relationship I really thought was it I mean he was SUCH a good guy- he had all the things everyone always told me I deserved and that I should wait for- everything, EVERYTHING I had worked so hard for...I have lost. And it's hard not to feel that what he turned out to be isn't what I deserved all along."

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I had been in that place for days. And have been for days since. It is still factually true that I have lost all of those things. But this morning I woke up, and after battling a cold all week, was given a snow day, and I was so thankful to be able to keep sleeping it off. When I finally dragged my lazy butt out of bed, I was able to make myself coffee with oat milk- because my parents always make sure I have some handy. I was then able to clean my room and put fresh sheets on my bed- and while doing so meditated on this very post I am no furiously trying to get out before it leaves my heart. 

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I just want to remember...to be thankful, always. It's so easy to focus on what I don't have, or what I have lost, and most often- that's where I have found myself these days. But even if I have lost everything, and I mean truly everything, but I still have breath in my lungs then I have breath in my lungs to keep going and to keep. on. trying. And right now, while I am in that place of thanksgiving, I want to tattoo it to my soul, so that God-forbid, should I ever find myself truly with nothing, I will wake up and choose to be thankful for His life-breathe still in me, because 

I. 

WOKE. 

UP. 

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I'm not gonna get it right. I will forget. In an hour, a day, or a year...and my demons will haunt me and play with my mind. But I will have a moment I can look to and say, "but remember that. Remember when you decided, you were going to embrace every opportunity you had to keep on going?"

get up

 it's like an out of body experience. i'm hovering over myself, begging me to get up, to keep going. but instead, im sprawled out across the road, bloody, bruised, and broken. my eyes are hallow. my skin is in shreds. there is no spark, no sign of life, other than the labored rise and fall of my chest, and the slow, existential, dread-filled blink of my eyes. it's the curse of nightmares or reality. i don't want them closed too long. don't want to stay awake.

i'm not here cos i want to be. but who ever is? i made some bad choices that contributed to where i now find myself, but not every factor was by my own hand, and i can't get up. i find the courage, i prop up on my elbows to begin lifting my torso off the ground, trying to sit up, and along comes another blow, and i'm back down, weaker than i was before. sometimes, i even make it to my knees, i'm about to stand back up, and that's when the next one comes. 

one of my favorite motivational speeches is rocky balboa saying "you, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t how hard you hit; it’s about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward. How much you can take, and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done!"

and i'm trying. but earlier this week i collapse in my mama's arms and wailed out "i don't know how to get up, i feel like i can't get up" hit after hit, i have gotten up, i have shaken it off, i have moved forward- and i, am. tired. the idea of having to keep do it, to keep going against every force i am facing, it wears me out. i cannot wrap my head around how i am supposed to get up again. all i have wanted to do that last few months, is curl up, and just kind of...well disappear. but i have gotten up. i got back out there and for what? to be shoved. back. down.

so i lay here. i lay here looking at my problems looming over me. all i have ever wanted to do was  have a simple life. to just live. and now all i am doing is barely surviving. and i have tried so many times to take the bull by the horn and show my issues whos boss, to be thrown off said bull and trampled by it. 

"you think this is bad, hold my beer!" and they set off making sure i know, they can get so much worse. 

i have never wanted to just scream, but i do. i have never understood why in the Bible, people in grief would tear their clothes, i do now. 

i keep reading my Bible, and keep surrounding myself with Godly people, but i'm angry. i'm not asking for a life of luxury, i'm not stupid i know God is not a genie. but i desperately need a way out from under the incessant weight i have sitting on me. i feel like i'm dying alive. i know He wants better for me, more for me, and i'm trying to walk in faith of that, when does he meet me? when does he pick me up, dust me off, and carry me? because i am tired. i'm tired in parts of my heart that i didn't know i could be. i feel like i am being mocked. "you won't actually make it out of this" 

i'm clutching the side of the boat, begging him to ease the waves. and if not to calm the storm, to just hold me through it. 

do i ask too much? is what i ask outside of the line of what he gives his children? if im wrong- someone tell me. 

i just need him to lift my head. i just need help getting up again. i need to be firmly replanted on my feet. 

i beg for it. i plead for it. i ache for it. i look for it. but for now, i just wait for it. 

Ready...or not?

 Twice now, I've been 6 months in, and thought I was about to see the man on one knee. The first time, I was glad it didn't happen, and the one to break it off. Hindsight is always 2020, and when it came down to it, I wanted to be his parent's daughter-in-law more than I wanted to be his wife. Side note ladies, date people you are actually attracted to. But I digress. 

The one after him though...man I really loved him. I will not go down the rabbit hole that was our relationship, as I have already done so several times, no good comes of it, and I really am moving on. I'm in a far better place than I was and feel no need to continue to open that can of worms or stir the pot or whatever idiom you want to use. I'm doing better and I would like to keep it that way.

However, that healing stage brings me to the melancholy doorstep of the state of my heart this morning. It's been a few days, maybe weeks, in coming. The tipping point was Friday on my way home from work when "Say Something" came on, and I lost it. I've heard that song a million times. But the tears leaped from my eyes, and it was as if my heart was screaming to the faceless man that my soul aches to complete. "Say something, I'm giving up on you" a line from another song says "how can you miss someone you've never met, cos I need you now but I don't know you yet." and I feel that. I'm ready to be ready.

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I have a love hate relationship with my therapist. She's absolutely incredible. And I do adore her. But she makes me realize or acknowledge uncomfortable and sad things. As the love I thought I was going to grow old in was sabotaged from the inside out, she asked me how it made me feel and we talked through the different emotions I had been experiencing. But she knew. And I knew. And I finally confessed, "even though he wasn't everything he portrayed himself to be- after all the cheap relationships I've had, I really believed I had finally found a good guy and the kind of love and respect and romance I have always been told I deserve- and it too was taken away- it feels like...I don't deserve it, nor will I ever actually get it."

And that revelation I had, sitting on her couch, has plagued me. I thought I had finally found what I had always been told to wait for, and not only was it taken from me, it was like the cruel kids, who pretend to be your friend until you come over- only for them to make you miserable upon arrival. It wasn't just taken away, it was thrown in my face as like this "haha you didn't actually have it, stupid!" I feel like the devastated, fat little girl on the playground  whos being laughed and looked at. I thought I was desired, but really I was just their point of entertainment. I was just here for them to poke a stick at, convincing me it was just a game, until the pokes became lethal jabs to my tender heart. 

I say all this, because it is the environment around which my heart find itself these days. It's not so much him I am not over, nor is it our relationship I'm trying to hold onto. Its that I so fully and completely trusted this man, and he destroyed it, in tandem with- do I even deserve a good guy, that my heart sits here and plays ping pong between "I'm ready" and "I'm ready to be ready."

So as I sat in my car, weeping, and aching and singing off key and broken voiced, I asked myself, "how do I know when I'm ready?" I know I don't like to be alone, that I miss that partnership of a relationship. That "my person" ness of dating someone. I miss the perks of arms around me, hands to hold, and lips to kiss. I miss being in love and feeling loved. I know that I want those things again. But I also sense this fear and dread in my heart- I'm not quite there yet. I bounce back fast, but this one is taking a while. Which is fine, I guess, but how do I know when I am ready? How do I know when I can start looking again, start talking again, and start putting myself back out there without the crippling fear I feel when I consider it now? And likewise, how do I go ahead and get myself there? Cos this sucks. All my friend are married and starting their families. I thought I'd be right there with them. But instead I am not only behind I feel like I'm aggressively behind and I won't catch up. 

What's the marker? Where is the goal? When do I know, "ok, get back out there girl"? I want to be ready now, I ache for it. I cry to sleep often, longing to find my lifelong companion. Missing the person my heart seems to already know, but I do not. It sucks.

So ready, set...hang on. 

Redeem My Love Song

I fell in love with a farmer. 

I found him, because I looked for him y'all, I straight up joined Farmers Only to find this guy. I wanted that life before I almost had that life with him. 

I want a country love song kind of romance. I want a slow dance in the kitchen, love me till I'm old and gray, build the life, raise the babies, face the challenges, embrace the little moments kind of love. I wanted those things before I almost had that life with him.

I wanted the animals, and the bonfires, and the mess of kids, and the life in the country. And I wanted that before I almost had that with him!

I didn't want these things as a result of being with him. And it kind of pisses me off when people tell me "you only like that cos of him" 

Noooohohoho I do not! Thank you ma'am, I was with him because I wanted those things. Not the other way around. I will get a little irate if you say this sort of thing to me. No, no ma'am, he didn't build me. I built me. I know what I want and I know what I'm after, and I know that the only part he had to play is that he wanted (or said he did) the same things.

Those dreams don't die with my relationship with him. I wanted those things before him, I want them after him. Thank. U. Next.

As you can tell, I get kind of bent out of shape when I'm accused of  this sort of thing. And yet. There is a thing, a most precious thing- a love song, that I cannot break from memories with him. It was a song I had been holding in my heart for years. It's my favorite love song. And I wanted to keep it for "the one" to share it with them. 

He and I would swap love songs back and forth, send new ones we heard that made us think of the other, or digging into the oldies and sharing timeless tunes with the other.

Then one day he told me, there was a very special song he wanted to share with me. It strayed from the country love songs we usually shared- it was one his grandparents would slow dance to. He had vivid memories of his Pop turning on the vinyl and swaying with his nanny in the kitchen- old and gray, and still just as in love as ever. 

And he sent to me the song I had had in my heart for years. The song I knew would be shared with my forever and always love. 

Is this stupid beyond all reason that it's one of the things I can't get over? Probably. But music holds a special place in my heart- and he touched a tender and secret place in me when he sent that one. And it became our most special song.

We spent many moments slow dancing in our kitchen to it, listening to it when we were feeling generally in love with the other. We would send it to the other when we were especially missing. It was a song that ran a cord through our relationship and bound our hearts together. We dreamed of first dancing at our wedding to it. It was our song.

I still can't listen to it. 

I loved that song before him. I loved a lot of things before him that I have been able to separate from him. Why can't I detach the sentiment of this song from him? I've been able to for most of the other songs, and just about all of the other things. Why is this one thing, that I loved before him, one I cannot remove from my memories with him?

.

.

.

I started a TikTok, joking not joking, and honestly, it's been fun. But I've started a "haha I'm single again" series called "Oddly specific requirements for my next relationship" because- well I've learned some things. 

But I'm not laughing right now. My heart is sad. I'm still skipping that song. 

And I need the next guy, to hopefully be the last guy, and to be the guy that redeems my love song. 

I don't want it to be bound any longer to a man who destroyed my dreams and wrecked my spirit. I have worked so hard to rebuild myself- but I need the right man to help me reclaim this song. To rewrite this connection. 

I hunger for that touch. 

~M

The Big Event Letdown of Life

Although I’ve only watched the entirety of the series through twice maybe thrice, out of all the tv shows I’ve ever watched, Gilmore Girls probably takes the cake for me. It’s witty, it’s emotional, and you (if you’re like me) you get invested deeply. You feel like you grow up right instep with whichever character you identify with. If you wanna talk GG I will swap the tea over coffee any day. When it comes to Dean, Jess or Logan I will fight you and I will win (#TeamJess). 

I got deeply invested and felt myself grow along with Rory. She was my girl. I was her. I felt how she felt and walked roads she walked. 

Until she stated walking roads I didn’t like. And then I uttered words we shouldn’t “I would never...” because most often what we would “never”, we end up doing. 

And then the reboot happened. What a train wreck. I mean an absolute catastrophe. National disaster. 

And RORY! What happened to her?! It’s like Lorelie grew and Rory...regressed. 

I wanted to grab her by the shoulders and shake her and scream in her face! This isn’t how our life was supposed to go!! 

But as a wise friend pointed out to me at this point in our conversation about Rory’s great regression: we grew with her- and when she showed up at the shore of the real world- she, like so many of us, couldn’t find all the potential we were bolstered into believing we had. Where was our great contribution to the world? How are we going to leave our mark on this world if all we drag out of the ocean of our younger years is a brief case full of ordinary? 

Some of us faced this in our early to mid 20’s. We finished up college and merged into the busy highways of the professional world. Others of us faced this kamikaze mission right out of highschool and have found ourselves floundering for that much longer. 

We showed up bright eyed and bushy tailed only to find out all the things we thought made us soooo special, barely distinct us from the survivor next to us. 

We drag onto the shore and the monotony of the world chips away at us. 

It’s so much more than realizing we didn’t get the Noah/Allie love story and farmhouse. 

It’s so much bigger than realizing everything we thought made us amazing just made us human. 

We show up and we’re disappointed to find ourselves on land and still struggling to keep our heads up. 

We’re not just not “something special”, we’re lost. We’re in our 20’s or early 30’s and nothing looks like what we thought. 

We not only missed out on the 13 going on 30 storyline, we missed the job, the penthouse, and the happiness. 

I would venture so far as to say, we weren’t even looking to be the next big thing. We weren't hoping to Jeff Bezos part 2. But we are let down but how underwhelming our lives have turned out. So many of us just want a good old American dream life. Instead, we’re a generation of depressed, lonely, overworked, underpaid, anxiety ridden men and women who just wanted to get to this point in our lives and be where our parents were: married, working, raising kids, building the dream. The normal, monotonous dream. Yes it’s plain white bread- but it’s the building blocks we wanted. If we had it, we wanted to replicate it. And if we didn’t, we wanted to create it. 

Instead we find ourselves dripping with disappointment. Find ourselves working jobs we don’t want, earning less than we need, to pay for bills we didn’t know about that come from expenses we didn’t find necessary. 

Yeah. My 20’s have been the big event let down of life. But I know that once January gets rolling, I will no longer feel the sense of sadness that the holidays are over that I do right now. I will eventually find other things to look forward to, and these months become another sweet memory to tuck into my heart. 

The January of my life is about to get rolling. And maybe yours is too. No, our Januarys won’t catapult us into something earth rocking and mind bending. But they’ll put us into a better light. That this season doesn’t last forever. And no, where we weren’t all born to be Ruth Bater Ginsburg or Rosa Parks, but we all have the power to impact someone’s life. I know many “mundane” women who have dramatically altered mine. 

So go work the job you don’t want a little better. Hug your child that would be called an “oops” a little tighter. Smile at strangers a little more often. 

Find joy in the ordinary, mundane, magnificent life you were given. And hold onto the hope that after January, is the spring. 

The best is yet to come 💜

“For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.”

‭‭2 Corinthians‬ ‭4:17-18‬