learning how to grieve

 Grief makes me uncomfortable.

In fact, it makes me so uncomfortable, it's taken me well over a week to acknowledge and admit that grief, is in fact, what I am feeling. 

I was always told "don't wallow" or "don't stay there" but I was never told that there's such a thing as not not wallowing, that moving on too quickly...isn't good either. 

So tonight when my therapist said "you need to wallow" it was uncomfortable. To be told "you're sad and the healthy thing is to feel that" 

She is trying to get me to make space for it- she used the term "compartmentalize your grief- tell yourself you're only going to grieve from 8-9pm every day" See she started out from the perspective of talking to someone who gives in too much too often and too deeply- but she learned- I don't. 

My problem is not giving it too much attention, its not giving it enough. 

So now here I am. Finally ready to admit that 

I.

Am.

Grieving. 

I'm broken, absolutely shattered. 

Grief makes me so wildly uncomfortable. Out of love, dear ones to me stand there helplessly and ask "how can I love you?" and I don't know. So the easiest thing has always been to pretend like it's not there. Like it doesn't exist. 

But now I am pushing into it. And I know that's going to ruffle some feathers because I don't ever just give in to it. I never allow the pain and the sorrow to wash over me. My idea of "giving it space" has been to cry for an hour and that's it.

But that's not how this one is going down. 

I am feeling the weight of a year plus of grief tap on the door of my heart and say "now that you're making space, maybe it's time to work through some of this stuff too" 

And y'all it SUCKS. 

I'm not numb- but I feel just completely drained and bled dry. And I think God knows that. I think that's why grief is so incredibly painful- because that pain reminds us, that as dried up and worn out as we feel- that pain you feel? It says "you're still feeling- therefore you're still breathing- therefore you're still alive"

In the times of our lives when we feel the least alive, the most painful moments are the ones that God uses to say "keep going"

I'm really blessed to have a Christian therapist that my insurance accepts and I've been able to get the psychological help I need without a massive strain on my wallet, and in the safety of a space with someone who shares my worldview. 

"You weren't promised easy going, but we were promised to experience trouble" 

Dang it.

The verse I stumbled across at 16 came rushing back to my heart as the tune from Sunday drifted into my head

"Take heart, take heart

I have overcome the world"

John 16:33.

"Why?"

So often the question I have screamed in grief and agony- but I know why now. I know that at my lowest,, at my easiest to give up-est, at my got nothing more to givest, God allows pain to let the love rush in. 

I'm not good at wallowing. I'm not good at grieving. And I'm certainly not comfortable with my own. 

But I am grieving. I am pressing into the pain knowing that's where I will feel the Saviours arms most boldly right now. Knowing He promises to be near to the brokenhearted. 

Knowing He promises I won't be here forever- so it's ok to be here for a little bit. It's ok to make space for it, it's not going to take over. It's ok to push into the pain, that's where joy is born from. 

Not the one I planned

"I could not fix what he did not want fixed"

My cousins words are lingering in my head as I sit to write this. It's not the post I had typed- I erased it. Because unknowingly to her, she summarized everything. 

I had planned to sit down and share with you all, each of the "yes" dreams God had given me through this relationship, but instead, it's turned into the most heartbreaking "no" of my life. 

Why? 

Because, as she said, I could not fix what he didn't want to fix. And he stopped trying to be the man he knows he can be. He ran. 

He ran, and I am left holding the shredded pieces of what we dreamed up together. 

I'm sorry, I don't have much more than that to say.

Weep the life

"Occasionally, weep deeply over the life that you hoped would be. Grieve the losses. Feel the pain. Then wash your face, trust God, and embrace the life that he’s given you" - John Piper

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Sometimes the words hurt too much to write. I've been working on this post off and on in my heart for a few weeks, even before the events it directly addresses, because I knew. I knew for so long what needed to happen, but I knew too what I so deeply wished would happen instead. So here I am, sitting at my computer waiting for the words to gush out of me, and they want to, but with each stroke on the keys, my heart squeezes a little, and I gulp down harder and harder to stop the tears.

"look up, look up, stop the tears." my family probably thinks I'm insane, I flurry across the board, pounding out all that's in my heart, and then I pause, choke back all that's threatening to rise out of me, and ponder what I've said already.

Doctor Piper's word of encouragement frees me to feel how I am feeling, and allow and accept that I can weep over a life I hoped for, that is no longer for certain mine to obtain. The story I am trying to tell today is years in the making, and years from completion- the horizon of it isn't just blurry- I cannot see it. My faith doesn't shine that far. As I have so often done here lately, this post is requiring me to bare my soul, to cut open my heart and lay it out to be seen. It hurts to keep it in, and I know that that hurts worse- but oh to open up- how painful those cuts can be. And yet how freeing once its out, and I can wash my face and live the life I've been given.

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As it happened only a few weeks ago, moments after I ended the relationship I had at one time ardently believed would end in marriage, my phone buzzes with a picture from one of my dearest friends. He'd popped the question, and his girl had said yes. They found their forevers in each other, and I rejoice with them. But in that moment, the weight of their joy sat heavier on me than anything I had ever felt before, and I wept, loudly. Parting yourself from someone forever is a unique kind of sadness. Although we had fallen in love, he had become my best friend, and I wasn't just losing my potential mate- I was losing the person I had come to value more than anyone else. I understood why wolves howl mournfully when they lose one of the members of their pack- that hurt is deeper than comprehension. So there I sat, with that anguish oozing over me head to toe.

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Goals are tricky things. You have so little control over so many variables that go into accomplishing them, and when you don't reach the goal, you can feel something of a failure. At least I know I do. And yet, in spite of this, every year on my birthday I think, "this is it. This is the year I finally settle down." I soak in the blessings my dad prays over me, gobble up the wishes my sisters write to me, and ponder the kind words others leave for me- and I just build up in my heart, a foolish amount of certainty, that this is the year I find my forever.

It was in my serendipitous thinking a few birthdays ago, that the age 25 settled onto my heart. I don't know why, but since then I had it fixed in my head that by 25 I was going to be married, or at least engaged. To be a wife and mom has always been my dream. And even when I have let that dream be influenced, the core of it never wavered. I want a family of my own. Of this, I have always been absolutely certain.

But when 25 rolled around and I was so very far from either of those things, I thought "well maybe just during this year!" So I stumbled into this year with high hopes and a bit of a ragged heart. When I found a guy who, at least on paper, ticked most of the right boxes, I jumped.

I jumped headfirst and all in to the relationship I thought was going to be it. I don't feel up to regurgitating the whole of the past few months, but giving it up wasn't just giving up my relationship, it was failing myself.

I was failing because I knew my life wasn't going to look how I had been hoping and planning. It was devastating on every conceivable level for me. For several years, I have been elevating this year as the ONE. And now it's not.

And I have wept over the life I thought would be.

I don't even know where I am hoping this post ends, other than hopefully someone else feels freed up to grieve the life they thought would be.

Weep.

Wash your face.

Live the life you've been given.

Sincerely,

M

Rough Day in Rileytown

Occasionally when an older TV show makes a comeback or a remake, it doesn't totally bomb, and the outcome is a fairly enjoyable piece of entertainment. I would say that although hokey and very Disney channel esq, that Corey and Topanga coming back on our screens was overall a well done show. It follows the life of their quirky, out-going, and full of love and sunshine daughter Riley. Everything about Riley is happy and sunny and bright. Very little discourages her or brings her down. Until the episode with the bully. We see Riley, tears streaming down her face, sitting on her bed, thinking. "What a rough day in Rileytown."

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As someone who tries to find the silver linings in all of life's happenings, I found myself looking at the past few weeks much the way Riley did. "What a rough day in Rileytown" is how I've sort of summarized the past few months of seemingly consistent down hill ups and downs. Its hard not to feel a little beat down when can't even stand before the next blow lands. 

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These experiences can leave me feeling so isolated, and so alone in the fight. It's why I've chosen to be very public with things.

It's not just been my health- it's everything my health has affected.

It's not just been my job (or lack thereof) it's everything my job has affected.

It's not just my relationship- it's everything my relationship affected.

It's not just the secret hurts I was holding- it's everything they affected.

It's not just the accident- it's everything the accident affected.

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Every time I have let people into the hurt in my heart, I have been loved. And I am so thankful for that and blessed by it. But man, I'm ready to stop having hurt to expose. I'm ready to just be full of sunshine again. To not have to chase the silver linings but bask in their glow.

I'm tired. I don't know if I'm allowed to feel that way with all the support and love I've experienced, but I am. I am just simply worn out. I can't keep going like this. My heart is worn out from the berating life keeps throwing at it. It takes so much energy to stay upbeat when the last thing you want to do is be..up..beat.

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It's been a rough time in Rileytown. But I am being constantly held up by the people God has surrounded me with.

I am tired, but I am loved.

I am weak, but I am supported.

I am broken, but I am held together supernaturally by His grace.

-M

why i chose to go public with my breakup

"haha wow...that was pretty public. but honest."

one of my dearest friends was surprised at my forward and very public announcement of my break up. i imagine he wasn't wholly shocked, i really enjoy social media.

but it did trigger some thinking for me, and perhaps others are wondering why i chose to go so very public with my breakup. maybe not, but in case any one is, i wanted to put my heart out there, the way i have always tired to. 

first off, let me just say that my life is not that interesting. so i am not going to create intrigue and mystery around something that simply isn't. one of my biggest social media pet peeves is "private message me!" the comment people leave when someone comments on their cryptic post. no. not about that life. if you chose to do this, i do not judge you, just know i will not bite. if you want people to know, you post it. if you don't....don't.

second, i work to create a very realistic representation into my life. and i am all too wiling to post the smiles, laughs and precious moments. and my life is, thankfully, primarily made up of these. but there's hurt too. there's bad days and storm clouds. and i work to be authentic in what i post. so why would i not continue being who i have aimed to be from the get go?

third, i have worked hard to not drag my ex. he wasn't a bad guy. in fact he's a great guy. just not my great guy. but social media was a dividing point for us. it wasn't a deal-breaker for me, so i honored his request and stepped down from social media or limited it severely. going public and posting about my breakup was my choice. maybe that is arrogant and uncalled for, but i had the freedom to do that.

the final reason, is i wanted to let the people i have allowed into my life, into my hurt. and i did.

and you know what? i think i'm better for it.

i am better now. the last few months were faith months for me. i continued acting in love on faith alone. i thought the concerns i was having were surrender points- and i needed to love him through them. and man! i wouldn't trade that time for anything. i learned so so so much. about myself, relationships, love, what is and isn't healthy love and serving. i don't regret any of my relationship.

and i am walking into the next phase of my life with a clearer view of what is and is not important to me. and i thank him for teaching me that. i am not angry. i am not hurt. i am at peace. in fact, i'm happy. i'm happier than i have been in a long time.

if you have questions, ask them. i'm not here to create a mystery of drama. i'm an all or nothing girl, open book- what ya see is what ya get. take it or leave it :)

i'm a southern girl- sweet as pecan pie but don't cross me ;) just ask! but there's just not much more here to tell. and that's why i chose to go public with my break up.

sincerely,

m

smiling again :)

don't cry, don't cry

Countless times, I have buried my face into my pillow, and cried until my whole body is raw with the weight of it. I have drained myself of all the tears I could find up, seen my eyes stay swollen for days as a result, and felt that tight aching in my throat and chest. I have felt the indescribable rush of a thousand heartbreaks.

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Tear streamed down my face as the realization of what was before me started to sink in. How? How did I get here? I looked at my sister, blurred almost completely by the masses of tears, and choked on my own words, "I don't know how to do this, I know how to get left, I've never had to leave." And in that moment, my heart broke. I could feel the cracks running all through it. With each step I took a little piece fell, accompanied by a few tears. I was about to do something, that to me felt unthinkable, to someone I loved. To in fact, the first man I have ever been in love with.

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I chose to end it. I couldn't get over certain things, couldn't see myself married to them, and well, frankly, I didn't want to be. I chose to walk away. I had my reasons, and I will defend them.

But now, I feel guilty. I have removed from my life someone I cherished and valued, and my heart is wrenched, broken, contorted, and absolutely gutted...but I chose to end it.

I'm not allowed to cry.

I'm not allowed to be sad.

I'm not allowed to cry myself to sleep, have my breath catch at a memory, or weep over a life I once dreamed of, that is now only a memory.

I chose this.

I'm sad, and its my fault. So I'm not allowed to be sad. I wouldn't be so heartbroken if I didn't make this decision.

But I am and I did. I am so so so sad. I wish he understood that I didn't just walk away without feeling. I always thought the one walking had it easier, but oh, how false that is. This isn't easier at all. When someone leaves me, the choice is out of my hands and I just have to accept what's dealt to me. But I chose this. And I'm having a hard time reconciling it.

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One of my wise friends counseled me today. She said "write it down. Record why you left. Because if you're anything like me, the second you start to question if you made the right move, you forget why you made it. So write it down."

She's right.

I did it because there where dreams of his I could not marry, and dreams of mine he did not want.

I did it because I didn't want to compromise my family, faith, and desires any more.

I did it because when it came down to it, I knew at the core of who I am, I could not marry him. That he was absolutely not who God had for me.

But oh how guilty I feel for feeling. I could have avoided this...I could have waited until he pulled the plug.

But I knew in heart he never would, and it would just keep waiting. I would wait until it was too late...or until I finally got the courage to put to death the one life I had begun to build. I and I did.

And I am better, stronger, and will be happier for it. 

Sincerely,

M

all i want

For years now, whenever I talk about writing, I have often refereed to it as "bleeding". This morning I can think of no more accurate term. I woke up, and for just a moment I thought, maybe I'm ok now. But then the tears that feel endless once again started to flow.

God never designed us to break the way we do. But, we do. We break. We break, cause we broke the world. None of it was supposed to be like this.

And here we are, broken people trying to heal, looking for that partner in life. It's so hard when you see something you can believe it. But then your hopes start to change. You built something with someone, and you grieve it! but it's not the life you want. And you know, deep in your heart, it's not the life you were meant to live.

So you stand on the shores of those hopes and dreams, and you watch the waves carry them further and further out, until you can no longer see them. But oh how that image is burned onto your heart.

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It was the most gracious thing I could do. I firmly believe that. I walked into the relationship fully convinced that I wanted certain things. And he fell in love with that girl. And for months, I was her. I wholly felt that I wanted a certain life and way of living. But as time went on, and that muddled vision of a life became a more clear reality, I realized, ever so slowly, it was not what I wanted.

I don't want to bash him, he was one of the kindest souls I have ever known so well, and I loved him. But he taught me what I did and did not want in a life with a partner. And I thank him for that. There's nothing wrong inherently with what he wants out of life, it just took me time to realize, they were not the same things. I am just so thankful I realized and accepted these things before I walked down the aisle.

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So, was it all for nothing? Not at all. As I began seriously contemplating my relationship with him, and why I was even considering ending it, I had to ask myself why I was even entertaining those thoughts. What was going on between us that was pulling me away from him? I could see even before I left the relationship the ways that I had changed and grown, and that certain desires evolved or were solidified.

In case this hasn't been clear, I want to just reaffirm, he did nothing to cause this, hurt me, or change my mind- I simply realized, after a long time of denying it, that we were just not supposed to be together long term. Even in his pain and hurt, he was not cruel. He told me, that he would not hate me, and wish ill will towards me. He was as gracious as I believe he could be.

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So what do I want? What kind of life do I truly dream of for myself? What kind of life do I fully believe God has in store for me?

Well, I want to list them, to give names to my dreams. To love them, grow them, then surrender them.

• I want more than two kids kids. I want to have babies and adopt babies, and raise them, and put a few good people (hopefully) into the earth
• I want someone who will dance in the kitchen with me
• I want a homestead. I want to work hard with my partner to cultivate a life in the country. With gardens and dogs, and barefoot babies ( and probably also chickens and goats and maybe a horse )
  
• This is silly, and trivial, but I want someone who will let me post and brag about them, and who might even do the same for me
  
• I want someone who will watch movies with me, no matter how well or poorly executed they were
• I want someone who will bring me flowers, tuck my hair and kiss my forehead
• I want to be with someone I can go to (the same) church with, without having to potentially compromise my beliefs
• I want someone who will take an interest in my life, hopes, dreams, interests and desires as much as I will theirs
  
• I want to be with someone who will share the load of life with me; be it the distant relative we don't talk about, the dinner bill, or the circumstances we find ourselves in
• I want to know his friends, and for him to know mine, and to work to be apart of those ties we have each spent our lives building
• I want someone who will jump into my insane family, and love them
  
• I want to know I am being led, spiritually without my prompting or requesting
• I want the tidal wave of love and affection I have to give will be accepted, appreciated, and cherished

He is not a bad guy, at all. But he, in the end, is not who I can spend the rest of my life with. The life he wants to build, and the life I want to build, are wholly different. And that's ok. But we couldn't be together and both build the lives we each wanted. So I made the choice for us to each begin building our own lives.

I am becoming more who I am a designed to be by this. I am thankful for this. I am ready to live the life God has for me.

Sincerely,

M