with hope

I slept for almost 12 hours last night. 

Unburdening myself both exhausted me and removed me from isolation. Where not many can say they've been where I am, many offered me kind and empathetic words.

I laid in the sunshine and soaked it up, rejuvenating both my soul and my health. Last night, I bled my heart out, and today I was refreshed. 

My circumstances are exactly as they were last night, my health still sucks, I still have no job, and I am still drowning under the weight of my bills. 

But my eyes are clearer. My heart has room to be full, and is not so heavy as it was. I wrote, cried and slept. And today I felt once again the fullness of joy the Father has for His children.

I am tired tonight, but not the way I have been. I am reminded that I do not grieve like one without hope. I have been reminded of the hope. And I am thankful. 

Job Seasons

I'm not sure there's too many times I've feel abundant and utter despair.

But two weeks ago I did. I stood on the front porch hurling into a hospital barf bag- I was doped up on morphine and zofran, it was 3am, we had just gotten home from the ER and were hoping the worst was behind us. Instead I stood there more violently ill than I had been all night and the previous day.

You go to the hospital hoping for answers, we got none.

You go hoping for healing, I was sent home worse.

It's not the hospital's fault, we received great care. But whatever was causing me such incredible pain and discomfort was not giving itself up easily. I can't tell you a single thing that happened the following day, I slept for 99% of it. The other 1% was rolling over, drink some water, go pee, fall back asleep.

You know what is so enormously aggravating about this situation though? Not that I was mercilessly sick for a few days, but that four days prior, I was put on antibiotic for ear infection. And before that I was diagnosed with pre-hypertension. And before that I had a horrible upper respiratory infection. Before that I had another ear infection. Before that I had strep. Before that I had another ear infection. Before that I had mono. Before that I had kidney infection. Before that I was diagnosed with PCOS, anxiety and depression. Before that I had strep. Before that I had an ear infection.

Hopefully you're seeing my point, that as I'm heaving over a trashcan, it's not just the fact that I shouldn't have been heaving then, that I had no more to sacrifice to the purge, but that I stood there in complete despair. I burst into tears and wailed from broken places in my soul, "why can't I just get better?"

I have not had my children taken from me, nor my business crumble. But I have had to quit a job I loved dearly because I could not give to the job what it needed.

To be 25, and deprived of health is humbling and frustrating. It's left me more than once feeling useless and worthless. Like I'm just kind of taking up space. Having to quit my job was the ultimate blow to me- why couldn't I just make it work? Why couldn't I just muscle through? Why is it one trip to the grocery store, or quick clean up of the house, or even something fun, like shopping trip to target- will wear me out so quickly.

I've changed my diet, changed my schedule, changed my routine, done hardcore workouts, done low impact workouts, drank just water, drank water with lemon....I have done it all. I'm not morbidly obese- I'm not suffering because I'm fat. Yes, I need to lose some weight- I'm not going to pretend I don't, but these issues are unaffected by my weight it seems.

I don't even know how to end this exactly. I am burdened. I am jobless. I am young. And I am sick.

I covet your prayers.