flowers

 i read a quote that said "one day you'll meet a boy...who will learn you favorite flower"

ugh. flowers.

sometimes i could throttle my oldest nephew. he's so much like a little brother. i love him to death, but he talks to me like an adult and i don't like it. who told him he could have an opinion? 

i wouldn't really. i adore him. but sometimes he says stuff i don't like...that's also stuff that's kinda true. after my first relationship ended he told me "the right one will bring you flowers" 

and when i got neck deep in with this last one, and flowers never came, i thought it didn't matter. the ring he gave me had a flower etched into it. that was enough, right?

"but he never gave you flowers"

ouch. ok punk. you were right. the right one will bring me flowers. 

it's such a simple thing. why couldn't i have just listened to him the first time?

cos it seemed so silly. but he was right. he's known long before me who was and wasn't gonna be around. 

one day, some boy is gonna learn my favorite flowers...and then bring them to me. and i truly believe, if he don't, he ain't the one. 

drained

i stood in front of the mirror for a long time today. not in a vain way. i was wearing a worn out tshirt from three or four jobs ago, day old hair, no make up, my cat pajama pants on. i just stood there, just looking at me. my face looked so....old. i noted the involuntary downturn of both my mouth and my eyes, not a sight i am used to seeing on myself. and i don't like it. 

i sneered at myself. i look terrible. my eyes look sunken in and dark. are those wrinkles? i cant decide if the stress is making me gain or lose weight but either way, i just don't look good. 

i look so...void. 

i remember telling him, "everything i'm looking forward to, you've just decided we're not doing!" 

every little getaway, canceled. event, turned down. every project, quit. it didn't matter what it was, he just decided, we weren't going to be apart of it. i had nothing to look forward to anymore. every day was just- survive. he sucked the life out of me, and took away anything i was excited about. he was cruel, and i'm not even sure he realized just how cruel. 

i don't even remember when i went into survival mode. but i can't seem to get myself out of it. 

so this morning, as i stood there taking in the sorry sight of me, i asked and let the question hang in the heavy air between myself and my reflection "how much more can you take?" 

i just need a leg up. one firm step in the right direction and i might not feel so utterly lost. 

i have nothing to look forward to. i have fears plaguing my mind i don't talk about. some i do like, i have a financial strain on me, and not only no income- i have nothing there for the strain to pull from. i have few job prospects and even fewer i'm excited about. 

but there's other things too. there's other fears i don't know how to name. other fears i don't know how to categorize or combat. other regrets i don't want to acknowledge or come to terms with.

i broke down on my mom "it feels like i'm drowning...i can see the surface of the water, but i just can't reach it. and every time i thrust my hand through, something drags me back down, and i'm left looking at the blurry and distant chance of breathing again. it's always just out of reach."

i confessed for the first time ever that i am deeply sad and truthfully, in despair. i see no way out. i see no solutions. i see no end to unconventional living. i feel only dread weighting down upon me. 

more mornings than not i lay in bed and just stare at the ceiling. hours pass in this manor. it sits on my chest and i can't move from beneath its weight. it's usually some outside force that moves me from this place. 

i sat with a friend this afternoon, and regurgitated the events of the last year+ to her. 

she had this sad sort of joyful look in her eye, like she was sorry i had gone through everything i had, but also like she knew something i don't yet. oddly enough for the first time since my world came crashing down, i felt hopeful. clearly she could see something i can't. and maybe that means some day i will see it too. 

disappointed

 everyone in my life has wrapped their head around the fact that who i thought he was, isn't who he was. but i haven't. and my heart still aches to be with the man i fell in love with- really who he is or not, that person, i love with every fiber of my being. 

everyone is so happy for me to be back- but the reality is, i am not. i watched my relationship be ripped apart from the inside out. and it didn't matter how hard i tried to save it- i couldn't do it. 

the reality is, i couldn't because who i loved isn't who he was. but my reality was not that. my reality was that i watched the gentle, sweet, loving man i intimately adored become a bitter, angry, and verbally abusive narcissist.

i watched every drop of what we had built melt into a pool of lies and deceit. i sacrificed everything to make things work with him- but it didn't matter. my relationship was sabotaged, and there was nothing i could have done differently. 

i came home because i had nowhere else to go. i had no other way to turn. i was broken. i was living with him, but i had never felt more alone that i did during that time. 

i'm thankful i had a loving family to come home to- don't get me wrong- but its absolutely not what i wanted. i was hoping for a marriage, and a baby, and a happily ever after. when things got messy, we rushed them, and they got messier. i understand all of that. 

but understand this- my heart is broken in all kinds of pieces. two wrongs didn't make it right. it was all just wrong, wrong, wrong. but it's so incredibly painful. 

i am irritable and sad and angry. my life has continually not turned out how i hoped it would. 

the facts don't care- my reality was what it was. and my heart is absolutely gutted. 

i'll be fine. its gonna take a while to process through it all, but i will be ok.

angry

 It's been a week. 

One week ago, I cracked my eyes open to see the window in my sisters guest bedroom. Not the old dingy paneling in the bedroom I had come to expect each morning. No, this one was bright white and filled with warm, glowing sunlight. 

"How did I let myself get here?" 

I laid in bed looking out the window for actual hours. I couldn't get myself up any sooner. I hated everything I had done and how it sat on me and dreaded everything ahead of me.

And that's where I am no. No job, about to have to give up my car, back in my parents house...I feel like I'm the same frustrated kid I was 5 years ago- but angrier. 

NOTHING has gone the way I hoped, dreamed or planned. It doesn't matter who's rule book I have played by- it doesn't matter which dream I have honed in on- I can't seem to get ahead in life. All life seems to enjoy doing for me, is knocking me down. 

 

Don't believe me or think I'm being dramatic? I have spent 5 years absolutely inexplicably sick all the time, several moves, can't keep a job longer than a few months either due to terrible pay, terrible management or a combination, I have been in and out of very unhealthy relationships, or ones where I just didn't measure up for them so I was tossed aside, I was in a wreck that totaled my car and has drained me financially dry. I have sustained loss, hurt, rape, defeat, exhaustion to an unidentifiable level, hopelessness, and absolute despair. 

I. Have. Nothing. I am near about penniless, stressed out, feel like I have to perform now to keep everyone's minds at ease.

Put on a smile, don't recluse, show up, be present, be apart, find drive, find ambition, don't wallow, get up, go do, be. etc. etc. etc. 

I'm exhausted. I don't want to do any of those things. 

I want to curl up and lick my wounds for a while. I need to rest and restore my heart- I can't keep worrying about everyone else its all I have ever done. For once I feel like I need to focus on me. I need to build me for a little bit. I need to do what I need to do. And I need everyone else to just meet me where I am, or not at all. Because I am too tired to offer you anything different. I do not have it any me any more. And that's what I am going to do. I have nothing else to lose. I am going to heal me. And a lot of people aren't going to like it. Oh well. I deserve to be a whole, healthy person. And I'm not. 

 

So yeah. I'm gonna spend some time to myself, hurting and struggling. I'm going to spend some time reflecting and researching and writing. I'm going to spend some time with friends or family- but I'm going to need respect when I am not able to mentally do so. I'm going to need to not be peppered with questions- I already know I get irritable. I will open up when I am ready- but I've spent so long wearing my heart on my sleeve and y'all, it hurts out there. I'm not laying it down in wet cement and trying to help it dry up- but I am tucking it away for a little while.  Box with a key sort of thing. 

I know a lot of people feel like "but all I want to do is love you" trust me- I've been there. But sometimes the most loving thing you can do is just be available. 

I'm angry. I'm angry at the world, at God, at how my life has turned out. Let me work through that. Angry people don't reason, don't want to be coddled, and don't need to be chastised. We already know. It's why we are angry.

Bitter like you

 "I'm not sorry for how I'm about to start acting- I been too nice for too long"

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It would bother me how rude he was to wait staff. I found myself being over the top friendly and kind to them, trying to compensate for how harsh and cold he was. I would give them a look, trying to convey my apologies for how he had just treated them. I was embarrassed by his behavior. He acted like they were less than him, and he had no qualms letting them know he thought as much. 

He adopted this belief- that because he had been kind and screwed over, he now no longer had to be kind to anybody- including me. We would often have the following conversation:

 

"I'm probably going to cheat on you"

"Why would you do that?"

"Cos it's what was done to me"

"And that makes it right?"

"Nope."

 

That kind of thinking permeated every crease of our relationship. But for months, it hadn't. It was like someone threw the switch and all the sudden I was dating the Grinch's evil cousin. He never laughed or smiled anymore. And he refused to pull his mind off of the hurt he had experienced. He could not look past the way he had been done dirty. 

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I sat in bed this morning and I stared straight forward and honest to God, I can't tell you how long I sat there for. I had several phone calls to make- and I knew I would be put on hold for many of them. I wasn't looking forward to my morning on the phone.  Two holds and three transfers into the first phone call, I could feel my cynicism rising. I mumbled under my breath at how incompetent "these people" were being. Then it hit me. I was starting to think the way he had. The very way that drove us apart. The very way that our relationship was sacrificed for. He and I could not stay together because he was so consumed by how he had been treated, and treated everyone with bitter anger as a result. How am I any better if I do what he has done? What if I continue down this path and sabotage my next relationship because of how I have been treated, and the cycle of hurt, betrayal and anger continues? 

I stopped and took a deep breath. I am exhausted. The weight I let out in that sigh hardly brought relief to my heart. But it's not their fault. They're just trying to help me. I called them after all, didn't I? I finished with my first call, and chose for the next one to treat them the way I always did. I was still put on hold 5 times and transferred once, but I made it through the call without getting angry. Angry is not my nature. And I will not adopt it. I've been more hurt than I ever thought I would be and be able to sustain- but angry has not and will not be my mantra.

 

I finished what I needed to and considered how his mindset really drove us apart. It didn't how much I begged for him to put his mental energy into our relationship, I had him in body, but his heart and mind were somewhere else. I spent the last two months hearing endlessly about his ex. I wish, I wish, I WISH I was over-exaggerating. 

 

IF by some miracle we did manage to talk about something else, it wouldn't last more than 5 minutes- and his face would glaze back over. His jaw would set. And his eyes narrow and grow cold. She was back on his mind. He was mulling back over the ways she'd hurt him. And I was left sitting there, trying to bring him back. 

He would get so angry and depressed- I spent hours and hours trying to bring him out of it. But he simply did not want to and therefore would not. He delighted in fueling his anger, and chose not to put the effort into moving on. 

I spent all my time with him talking about his ex- and it ruined me. It ruined our relationship. It absolutely drained me. I gave and gave and gave to give him a reason to keep going, to be the one that consumed his thoughts and to become his new dream. But he didn't want to. And so our relationship was thrust into an incredibly toxic pattern. 

I'm hurting. I am licking my wounds with the energy I can muster. But I will not become like him. I will not ruin the next person I get the privilege of loving because it is what was done to me. 

I cannot. 

I will not be bitter like him.

Dead Alive

I am convinced that the greatest loss we as humans can face, is not the death of a loved one, but the death of something inside ourselves or someone we love- and being forced to go on living. It's like looking down and seeing a massive hole right through us, and still having to breathe. Its like existing in the body of a stranger. I don't know myself anymore. 

I am in the darkest time of my life, and everything that made up my quirky, happy-go-lucky self- has been murdered. I am tired. And not the tired sleep can fix. 

I have been in the midst of hell with a constant drain on my energy and never a return to my empty reservoir. I loved another soul with every fiber of my being, and it was taken for granted- then it was assumed. Then it was abused. But one thing it never was, was enough. 

I sacrificed everything to be with them, and when I left, it was like it did not matter. 

Tears streamed down my face, and screams and cries rose up from broken, ungodly places- and they did not care. They put my clothes in my car, rubbed my hand and jet off down the road without so much as a backwards glance. 

It's been two days and my throat is still raw from the strain of endless crying. Even sleep has offered no relief. I toss and turn and the agony physically plagues me. My chest is in actual pain right now. I have never been in so much emotional turmoil. 

 

I spent months holding together the person I cared most about, only to be tossed to the side without a second thought. I've never wished harm on another person. And I still won't. But I do hope someday they wake up and realize the enormity of what happened- that they murdered a soul- which is worse than murdering a life. Because I have to go on living, with all my drive, all my ambition, all my passion just- gone. Completely zapped out of me. 

 

Every day I drag myself out of bed, through my day and dread the night. It's an endless and brutal cycle. 

 

I will tell my whole story. It will all come out, and ugly things (even my own) will be exposed. But for now I am tired. I am so tired. 

learning how to grieve

 Grief makes me uncomfortable.

In fact, it makes me so uncomfortable, it's taken me well over a week to acknowledge and admit that grief, is in fact, what I am feeling. 

I was always told "don't wallow" or "don't stay there" but I was never told that there's such a thing as not not wallowing, that moving on too quickly...isn't good either. 

So tonight when my therapist said "you need to wallow" it was uncomfortable. To be told "you're sad and the healthy thing is to feel that" 

She is trying to get me to make space for it- she used the term "compartmentalize your grief- tell yourself you're only going to grieve from 8-9pm every day" See she started out from the perspective of talking to someone who gives in too much too often and too deeply- but she learned- I don't. 

My problem is not giving it too much attention, its not giving it enough. 

So now here I am. Finally ready to admit that 

I.

Am.

Grieving. 

I'm broken, absolutely shattered. 

Grief makes me so wildly uncomfortable. Out of love, dear ones to me stand there helplessly and ask "how can I love you?" and I don't know. So the easiest thing has always been to pretend like it's not there. Like it doesn't exist. 

But now I am pushing into it. And I know that's going to ruffle some feathers because I don't ever just give in to it. I never allow the pain and the sorrow to wash over me. My idea of "giving it space" has been to cry for an hour and that's it.

But that's not how this one is going down. 

I am feeling the weight of a year plus of grief tap on the door of my heart and say "now that you're making space, maybe it's time to work through some of this stuff too" 

And y'all it SUCKS. 

I'm not numb- but I feel just completely drained and bled dry. And I think God knows that. I think that's why grief is so incredibly painful- because that pain reminds us, that as dried up and worn out as we feel- that pain you feel? It says "you're still feeling- therefore you're still breathing- therefore you're still alive"

In the times of our lives when we feel the least alive, the most painful moments are the ones that God uses to say "keep going"

I'm really blessed to have a Christian therapist that my insurance accepts and I've been able to get the psychological help I need without a massive strain on my wallet, and in the safety of a space with someone who shares my worldview. 

"You weren't promised easy going, but we were promised to experience trouble" 

Dang it.

The verse I stumbled across at 16 came rushing back to my heart as the tune from Sunday drifted into my head

"Take heart, take heart

I have overcome the world"

John 16:33.

"Why?"

So often the question I have screamed in grief and agony- but I know why now. I know that at my lowest,, at my easiest to give up-est, at my got nothing more to givest, God allows pain to let the love rush in. 

I'm not good at wallowing. I'm not good at grieving. And I'm certainly not comfortable with my own. 

But I am grieving. I am pressing into the pain knowing that's where I will feel the Saviours arms most boldly right now. Knowing He promises to be near to the brokenhearted. 

Knowing He promises I won't be here forever- so it's ok to be here for a little bit. It's ok to make space for it, it's not going to take over. It's ok to push into the pain, that's where joy is born from. 

Not the one I planned

"I could not fix what he did not want fixed"

My cousins words are lingering in my head as I sit to write this. It's not the post I had typed- I erased it. Because unknowingly to her, she summarized everything. 

I had planned to sit down and share with you all, each of the "yes" dreams God had given me through this relationship, but instead, it's turned into the most heartbreaking "no" of my life. 

Why? 

Because, as she said, I could not fix what he didn't want to fix. And he stopped trying to be the man he knows he can be. He ran. 

He ran, and I am left holding the shredded pieces of what we dreamed up together. 

I'm sorry, I don't have much more than that to say.

Weep the life

"Occasionally, weep deeply over the life that you hoped would be. Grieve the losses. Feel the pain. Then wash your face, trust God, and embrace the life that he’s given you" - John Piper

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Sometimes the words hurt too much to write. I've been working on this post off and on in my heart for a few weeks, even before the events it directly addresses, because I knew. I knew for so long what needed to happen, but I knew too what I so deeply wished would happen instead. So here I am, sitting at my computer waiting for the words to gush out of me, and they want to, but with each stroke on the keys, my heart squeezes a little, and I gulp down harder and harder to stop the tears.

"look up, look up, stop the tears." my family probably thinks I'm insane, I flurry across the board, pounding out all that's in my heart, and then I pause, choke back all that's threatening to rise out of me, and ponder what I've said already.

Doctor Piper's word of encouragement frees me to feel how I am feeling, and allow and accept that I can weep over a life I hoped for, that is no longer for certain mine to obtain. The story I am trying to tell today is years in the making, and years from completion- the horizon of it isn't just blurry- I cannot see it. My faith doesn't shine that far. As I have so often done here lately, this post is requiring me to bare my soul, to cut open my heart and lay it out to be seen. It hurts to keep it in, and I know that that hurts worse- but oh to open up- how painful those cuts can be. And yet how freeing once its out, and I can wash my face and live the life I've been given.

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As it happened only a few weeks ago, moments after I ended the relationship I had at one time ardently believed would end in marriage, my phone buzzes with a picture from one of my dearest friends. He'd popped the question, and his girl had said yes. They found their forevers in each other, and I rejoice with them. But in that moment, the weight of their joy sat heavier on me than anything I had ever felt before, and I wept, loudly. Parting yourself from someone forever is a unique kind of sadness. Although we had fallen in love, he had become my best friend, and I wasn't just losing my potential mate- I was losing the person I had come to value more than anyone else. I understood why wolves howl mournfully when they lose one of the members of their pack- that hurt is deeper than comprehension. So there I sat, with that anguish oozing over me head to toe.

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Goals are tricky things. You have so little control over so many variables that go into accomplishing them, and when you don't reach the goal, you can feel something of a failure. At least I know I do. And yet, in spite of this, every year on my birthday I think, "this is it. This is the year I finally settle down." I soak in the blessings my dad prays over me, gobble up the wishes my sisters write to me, and ponder the kind words others leave for me- and I just build up in my heart, a foolish amount of certainty, that this is the year I find my forever.

It was in my serendipitous thinking a few birthdays ago, that the age 25 settled onto my heart. I don't know why, but since then I had it fixed in my head that by 25 I was going to be married, or at least engaged. To be a wife and mom has always been my dream. And even when I have let that dream be influenced, the core of it never wavered. I want a family of my own. Of this, I have always been absolutely certain.

But when 25 rolled around and I was so very far from either of those things, I thought "well maybe just during this year!" So I stumbled into this year with high hopes and a bit of a ragged heart. When I found a guy who, at least on paper, ticked most of the right boxes, I jumped.

I jumped headfirst and all in to the relationship I thought was going to be it. I don't feel up to regurgitating the whole of the past few months, but giving it up wasn't just giving up my relationship, it was failing myself.

I was failing because I knew my life wasn't going to look how I had been hoping and planning. It was devastating on every conceivable level for me. For several years, I have been elevating this year as the ONE. And now it's not.

And I have wept over the life I thought would be.

I don't even know where I am hoping this post ends, other than hopefully someone else feels freed up to grieve the life they thought would be.

Weep.

Wash your face.

Live the life you've been given.

Sincerely,

M

Rough Day in Rileytown

Occasionally when an older TV show makes a comeback or a remake, it doesn't totally bomb, and the outcome is a fairly enjoyable piece of entertainment. I would say that although hokey and very Disney channel esq, that Corey and Topanga coming back on our screens was overall a well done show. It follows the life of their quirky, out-going, and full of love and sunshine daughter Riley. Everything about Riley is happy and sunny and bright. Very little discourages her or brings her down. Until the episode with the bully. We see Riley, tears streaming down her face, sitting on her bed, thinking. "What a rough day in Rileytown."

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As someone who tries to find the silver linings in all of life's happenings, I found myself looking at the past few weeks much the way Riley did. "What a rough day in Rileytown" is how I've sort of summarized the past few months of seemingly consistent down hill ups and downs. Its hard not to feel a little beat down when can't even stand before the next blow lands. 

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These experiences can leave me feeling so isolated, and so alone in the fight. It's why I've chosen to be very public with things.

It's not just been my health- it's everything my health has affected.

It's not just been my job (or lack thereof) it's everything my job has affected.

It's not just my relationship- it's everything my relationship affected.

It's not just the secret hurts I was holding- it's everything they affected.

It's not just the accident- it's everything the accident affected.

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Every time I have let people into the hurt in my heart, I have been loved. And I am so thankful for that and blessed by it. But man, I'm ready to stop having hurt to expose. I'm ready to just be full of sunshine again. To not have to chase the silver linings but bask in their glow.

I'm tired. I don't know if I'm allowed to feel that way with all the support and love I've experienced, but I am. I am just simply worn out. I can't keep going like this. My heart is worn out from the berating life keeps throwing at it. It takes so much energy to stay upbeat when the last thing you want to do is be..up..beat.

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It's been a rough time in Rileytown. But I am being constantly held up by the people God has surrounded me with.

I am tired, but I am loved.

I am weak, but I am supported.

I am broken, but I am held together supernaturally by His grace.

-M

why i chose to go public with my breakup

"haha wow...that was pretty public. but honest."

one of my dearest friends was surprised at my forward and very public announcement of my break up. i imagine he wasn't wholly shocked, i really enjoy social media.

but it did trigger some thinking for me, and perhaps others are wondering why i chose to go so very public with my breakup. maybe not, but in case any one is, i wanted to put my heart out there, the way i have always tired to. 

first off, let me just say that my life is not that interesting. so i am not going to create intrigue and mystery around something that simply isn't. one of my biggest social media pet peeves is "private message me!" the comment people leave when someone comments on their cryptic post. no. not about that life. if you chose to do this, i do not judge you, just know i will not bite. if you want people to know, you post it. if you don't....don't.

second, i work to create a very realistic representation into my life. and i am all too wiling to post the smiles, laughs and precious moments. and my life is, thankfully, primarily made up of these. but there's hurt too. there's bad days and storm clouds. and i work to be authentic in what i post. so why would i not continue being who i have aimed to be from the get go?

third, i have worked hard to not drag my ex. he wasn't a bad guy. in fact he's a great guy. just not my great guy. but social media was a dividing point for us. it wasn't a deal-breaker for me, so i honored his request and stepped down from social media or limited it severely. going public and posting about my breakup was my choice. maybe that is arrogant and uncalled for, but i had the freedom to do that.

the final reason, is i wanted to let the people i have allowed into my life, into my hurt. and i did.

and you know what? i think i'm better for it.

i am better now. the last few months were faith months for me. i continued acting in love on faith alone. i thought the concerns i was having were surrender points- and i needed to love him through them. and man! i wouldn't trade that time for anything. i learned so so so much. about myself, relationships, love, what is and isn't healthy love and serving. i don't regret any of my relationship.

and i am walking into the next phase of my life with a clearer view of what is and is not important to me. and i thank him for teaching me that. i am not angry. i am not hurt. i am at peace. in fact, i'm happy. i'm happier than i have been in a long time.

if you have questions, ask them. i'm not here to create a mystery of drama. i'm an all or nothing girl, open book- what ya see is what ya get. take it or leave it :)

i'm a southern girl- sweet as pecan pie but don't cross me ;) just ask! but there's just not much more here to tell. and that's why i chose to go public with my break up.

sincerely,

m

smiling again :)

don't cry, don't cry

Countless times, I have buried my face into my pillow, and cried until my whole body is raw with the weight of it. I have drained myself of all the tears I could find up, seen my eyes stay swollen for days as a result, and felt that tight aching in my throat and chest. I have felt the indescribable rush of a thousand heartbreaks.

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Tear streamed down my face as the realization of what was before me started to sink in. How? How did I get here? I looked at my sister, blurred almost completely by the masses of tears, and choked on my own words, "I don't know how to do this, I know how to get left, I've never had to leave." And in that moment, my heart broke. I could feel the cracks running all through it. With each step I took a little piece fell, accompanied by a few tears. I was about to do something, that to me felt unthinkable, to someone I loved. To in fact, the first man I have ever been in love with.

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I chose to end it. I couldn't get over certain things, couldn't see myself married to them, and well, frankly, I didn't want to be. I chose to walk away. I had my reasons, and I will defend them.

But now, I feel guilty. I have removed from my life someone I cherished and valued, and my heart is wrenched, broken, contorted, and absolutely gutted...but I chose to end it.

I'm not allowed to cry.

I'm not allowed to be sad.

I'm not allowed to cry myself to sleep, have my breath catch at a memory, or weep over a life I once dreamed of, that is now only a memory.

I chose this.

I'm sad, and its my fault. So I'm not allowed to be sad. I wouldn't be so heartbroken if I didn't make this decision.

But I am and I did. I am so so so sad. I wish he understood that I didn't just walk away without feeling. I always thought the one walking had it easier, but oh, how false that is. This isn't easier at all. When someone leaves me, the choice is out of my hands and I just have to accept what's dealt to me. But I chose this. And I'm having a hard time reconciling it.

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One of my wise friends counseled me today. She said "write it down. Record why you left. Because if you're anything like me, the second you start to question if you made the right move, you forget why you made it. So write it down."

She's right.

I did it because there where dreams of his I could not marry, and dreams of mine he did not want.

I did it because I didn't want to compromise my family, faith, and desires any more.

I did it because when it came down to it, I knew at the core of who I am, I could not marry him. That he was absolutely not who God had for me.

But oh how guilty I feel for feeling. I could have avoided this...I could have waited until he pulled the plug.

But I knew in heart he never would, and it would just keep waiting. I would wait until it was too late...or until I finally got the courage to put to death the one life I had begun to build. I and I did.

And I am better, stronger, and will be happier for it. 

Sincerely,

M

all i want

For years now, whenever I talk about writing, I have often refereed to it as "bleeding". This morning I can think of no more accurate term. I woke up, and for just a moment I thought, maybe I'm ok now. But then the tears that feel endless once again started to flow.

God never designed us to break the way we do. But, we do. We break. We break, cause we broke the world. None of it was supposed to be like this.

And here we are, broken people trying to heal, looking for that partner in life. It's so hard when you see something you can believe it. But then your hopes start to change. You built something with someone, and you grieve it! but it's not the life you want. And you know, deep in your heart, it's not the life you were meant to live.

So you stand on the shores of those hopes and dreams, and you watch the waves carry them further and further out, until you can no longer see them. But oh how that image is burned onto your heart.

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It was the most gracious thing I could do. I firmly believe that. I walked into the relationship fully convinced that I wanted certain things. And he fell in love with that girl. And for months, I was her. I wholly felt that I wanted a certain life and way of living. But as time went on, and that muddled vision of a life became a more clear reality, I realized, ever so slowly, it was not what I wanted.

I don't want to bash him, he was one of the kindest souls I have ever known so well, and I loved him. But he taught me what I did and did not want in a life with a partner. And I thank him for that. There's nothing wrong inherently with what he wants out of life, it just took me time to realize, they were not the same things. I am just so thankful I realized and accepted these things before I walked down the aisle.

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So, was it all for nothing? Not at all. As I began seriously contemplating my relationship with him, and why I was even considering ending it, I had to ask myself why I was even entertaining those thoughts. What was going on between us that was pulling me away from him? I could see even before I left the relationship the ways that I had changed and grown, and that certain desires evolved or were solidified.

In case this hasn't been clear, I want to just reaffirm, he did nothing to cause this, hurt me, or change my mind- I simply realized, after a long time of denying it, that we were just not supposed to be together long term. Even in his pain and hurt, he was not cruel. He told me, that he would not hate me, and wish ill will towards me. He was as gracious as I believe he could be.

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So what do I want? What kind of life do I truly dream of for myself? What kind of life do I fully believe God has in store for me?

Well, I want to list them, to give names to my dreams. To love them, grow them, then surrender them.

• I want more than two kids kids. I want to have babies and adopt babies, and raise them, and put a few good people (hopefully) into the earth
• I want someone who will dance in the kitchen with me
• I want a homestead. I want to work hard with my partner to cultivate a life in the country. With gardens and dogs, and barefoot babies ( and probably also chickens and goats and maybe a horse )
  
• This is silly, and trivial, but I want someone who will let me post and brag about them, and who might even do the same for me
  
• I want someone who will watch movies with me, no matter how well or poorly executed they were
• I want someone who will bring me flowers, tuck my hair and kiss my forehead
• I want to be with someone I can go to (the same) church with, without having to potentially compromise my beliefs
• I want someone who will take an interest in my life, hopes, dreams, interests and desires as much as I will theirs
  
• I want to be with someone who will share the load of life with me; be it the distant relative we don't talk about, the dinner bill, or the circumstances we find ourselves in
• I want to know his friends, and for him to know mine, and to work to be apart of those ties we have each spent our lives building
• I want someone who will jump into my insane family, and love them
  
• I want to know I am being led, spiritually without my prompting or requesting
• I want the tidal wave of love and affection I have to give will be accepted, appreciated, and cherished

He is not a bad guy, at all. But he, in the end, is not who I can spend the rest of my life with. The life he wants to build, and the life I want to build, are wholly different. And that's ok. But we couldn't be together and both build the lives we each wanted. So I made the choice for us to each begin building our own lives.

I am becoming more who I am a designed to be by this. I am thankful for this. I am ready to live the life God has for me.

Sincerely,

M

with hope

I slept for almost 12 hours last night. 

Unburdening myself both exhausted me and removed me from isolation. Where not many can say they've been where I am, many offered me kind and empathetic words.

I laid in the sunshine and soaked it up, rejuvenating both my soul and my health. Last night, I bled my heart out, and today I was refreshed. 

My circumstances are exactly as they were last night, my health still sucks, I still have no job, and I am still drowning under the weight of my bills. 

But my eyes are clearer. My heart has room to be full, and is not so heavy as it was. I wrote, cried and slept. And today I felt once again the fullness of joy the Father has for His children.

I am tired tonight, but not the way I have been. I am reminded that I do not grieve like one without hope. I have been reminded of the hope. And I am thankful. 

Job Seasons

I'm not sure there's too many times I've feel abundant and utter despair.

But two weeks ago I did. I stood on the front porch hurling into a hospital barf bag- I was doped up on morphine and zofran, it was 3am, we had just gotten home from the ER and were hoping the worst was behind us. Instead I stood there more violently ill than I had been all night and the previous day.

You go to the hospital hoping for answers, we got none.

You go hoping for healing, I was sent home worse.

It's not the hospital's fault, we received great care. But whatever was causing me such incredible pain and discomfort was not giving itself up easily. I can't tell you a single thing that happened the following day, I slept for 99% of it. The other 1% was rolling over, drink some water, go pee, fall back asleep.

You know what is so enormously aggravating about this situation though? Not that I was mercilessly sick for a few days, but that four days prior, I was put on antibiotic for ear infection. And before that I was diagnosed with pre-hypertension. And before that I had a horrible upper respiratory infection. Before that I had another ear infection. Before that I had strep. Before that I had another ear infection. Before that I had mono. Before that I had kidney infection. Before that I was diagnosed with PCOS, anxiety and depression. Before that I had strep. Before that I had an ear infection.

Hopefully you're seeing my point, that as I'm heaving over a trashcan, it's not just the fact that I shouldn't have been heaving then, that I had no more to sacrifice to the purge, but that I stood there in complete despair. I burst into tears and wailed from broken places in my soul, "why can't I just get better?"

I have not had my children taken from me, nor my business crumble. But I have had to quit a job I loved dearly because I could not give to the job what it needed.

To be 25, and deprived of health is humbling and frustrating. It's left me more than once feeling useless and worthless. Like I'm just kind of taking up space. Having to quit my job was the ultimate blow to me- why couldn't I just make it work? Why couldn't I just muscle through? Why is it one trip to the grocery store, or quick clean up of the house, or even something fun, like shopping trip to target- will wear me out so quickly.

I've changed my diet, changed my schedule, changed my routine, done hardcore workouts, done low impact workouts, drank just water, drank water with lemon....I have done it all. I'm not morbidly obese- I'm not suffering because I'm fat. Yes, I need to lose some weight- I'm not going to pretend I don't, but these issues are unaffected by my weight it seems.

I don't even know how to end this exactly. I am burdened. I am jobless. I am young. And I am sick.

I covet your prayers.

All Things Beautiful

When I sat down last night to write up my recap on the year 2019, I opened my 10-year-old blog and clicked away on the keyboard. 

New years are often viewed as a time for refreshing, starting over, and clearing the slate. So as soon as I felt I had adequately shared my heart, and hit the "publish" button, I sat staring at my screen and wondered if the turn of a decade was a good time to say good-bye to my blog. It's seen some messy years for me- but many of my thoughts and ideas I spewed out at 17, 18, 19...I no longer agree with. 

As soon as I decided to make the jump, I set to work on the blog you now see. I knew I wanted to keep it simple in my name and design; this is one way I feel I've grown. I no longer want flashy, bright, bold, in-your-face colors and patterns. I still like glitter and gold, but more subtly added than the center of attention. Classy, but simpler. 

Part of what I'm learning is to just be an open book. If you use what you learn about me against me- that's your choice- but I want to be the most transparent, real, genuine person I can be. Not that I've been fake and shady up until now, but that in this phase of life I want to be a nothing-held-back kind of girl. 

I picture myself, arms outstretched, hair blowing in the wind kind of free. I don't want to be anything less than authentic. And one of the best ways for me to do that was to just simply be me. Do away with the fancy graphics and the cute "about me" pages, no more "bio here" and artsy pictures of my profile. I just want to sit and have a cup of coffee with my readers. To share my heart, and hopefully gain the trust to be able to hear yours. I don't care if 2 people read this or 2000. I want whatever is read to matter to who reads it, and I don't want fluff and frills in the way of that. 

So here at the dawn of a new year and new decade, I want to embrace the clean simplicity. I want to purge my home of clutter, my heart of lies, and my social media of my time. And those will be my only set "goals" because unattainable resolutions so often lead to failure, so let's just keep it simple. Let's just decide to change one facet of our life. In January. In May. In October. Whenever. You don't need a new year to make a change. But whenever you decide to set new goals for yourself, set ones you know you can reach. 

As I sit here and ponder the new of 2020, I can't help but ponder the first part of Ecclesiastes 3:11, and thank Him for making all things, including my heart, beautiful in its time.

2019: Darkness & Grace

Looking back on the year 2019, there are two overarching themes, and they happen to be a high and a low:

Darkness & Grace

I faced darkness of several kinds this year and would say that 2019 was the darkest year I had personally ever experienced. I experienced multiple losses, of various kinds, many different life changes, and several heartbreaks.

I found myself struggling to identify my faith as my own and holding fast to it in those dark times. I know it's true- and I know it can be true for me, but would He be good to me? There were times when I felt like His goodness was completely absent from me, and I felt despair like never before more this year than any other time in my life.

In addition to working on my faith and feeling unsuccessful and dealing with a number of losses, my health decided to decline in a major, and financially draining, way. It went from an occasional nuisance thing to an ongoing battle to become and stay healthy. I almost wish I could say it was the same recurring illness and I had a plan for how to tackle this obstacle- but where there have been a few repeats, it seems it's a continually changing diagnosis. I took my first trip to the ER, and have been on more medications than I care to admit. It's been humbling as someone who is almost always on the go to have to hit the pause button and be still for so much of the past 6 or so months.

Towards the end of my year, I began struggling actively at work, and just before Christmas, in something of an odd turn of events, I was let go. It wasn't what I was expecting and I'm not going to lie: it knocked me off my feet. I've spent my holiday season with a sore and anxious heart and struggled with fear and anxiety attacks. I've applied to over 200 jobs and struggled against feeling discouraged because I am either not qualified or just not hearing back.

But

God

In the midst of all this darkness this year, grace oozed from God's people and onto my bleeding heart. It took me a long time to fall back onto that, but once I finally did and accepted His grace and love as endless as they are, I found all my broken pieces at His feet.

The past three months have involved me picking up each piece, mourning over its unique brokenness, and finally surrendering it to Him, and thanking Him for His grace.

Grace to see me through

Grace to love me "even though" and "even when"

Grace when all I feel is darkness

Grace when I feel I'm too far removed to feel Him

Grace when I'm not sure how to move on

Grace above and beyond what I deserve

Grace isn't just for the good and the saintly, it's for me. The struggling and the hopeful, the desperate and the desirous, the lonely and the unholy.

I am unholy, and this is why we ask Him to refine us. And this is what His grace is for- He shrouds us in His grace, unendingly, and where would we be without it- I do not want to know.

2019 began and ended with a lot of heaviness for me- but it has not been without its lessons, without its memories, and without its faith-instilling moments. I would not wish a lot of what happened to be repeated, but I would not change a moment of it. I am made who I am today by the story God had for me in 2019.

And I am proud of who I am today. I am happier than I have been in a long, long time. And given my current circumstances, you wouldn't think I should or could be. But God has restored to me joy that I have been missing since childhood. I laugh and find joy again, and I am thankful. I have more love in my heart for the people in my life than I ever thought possible. And I am more excited about this coming year than I have been for several years now.

If I have learned anything this year, it's that darkness is an opportunity to relish in the Light of the World. To bask in the glow His people can cast. To praise Him for His grace and mercy, and to walk by faith.

Happy 2020 everybody, may we all draw closer to Him this coming year!