don't cry, don't cry

Countless times, I have buried my face into my pillow, and cried until my whole body is raw with the weight of it. I have drained myself of all the tears I could find up, seen my eyes stay swollen for days as a result, and felt that tight aching in my throat and chest. I have felt the indescribable rush of a thousand heartbreaks.

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Tear streamed down my face as the realization of what was before me started to sink in. How? How did I get here? I looked at my sister, blurred almost completely by the masses of tears, and choked on my own words, "I don't know how to do this, I know how to get left, I've never had to leave." And in that moment, my heart broke. I could feel the cracks running all through it. With each step I took a little piece fell, accompanied by a few tears. I was about to do something, that to me felt unthinkable, to someone I loved. To in fact, the first man I have ever been in love with.

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I chose to end it. I couldn't get over certain things, couldn't see myself married to them, and well, frankly, I didn't want to be. I chose to walk away. I had my reasons, and I will defend them.

But now, I feel guilty. I have removed from my life someone I cherished and valued, and my heart is wrenched, broken, contorted, and absolutely gutted...but I chose to end it.

I'm not allowed to cry.

I'm not allowed to be sad.

I'm not allowed to cry myself to sleep, have my breath catch at a memory, or weep over a life I once dreamed of, that is now only a memory.

I chose this.

I'm sad, and its my fault. So I'm not allowed to be sad. I wouldn't be so heartbroken if I didn't make this decision.

But I am and I did. I am so so so sad. I wish he understood that I didn't just walk away without feeling. I always thought the one walking had it easier, but oh, how false that is. This isn't easier at all. When someone leaves me, the choice is out of my hands and I just have to accept what's dealt to me. But I chose this. And I'm having a hard time reconciling it.

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One of my wise friends counseled me today. She said "write it down. Record why you left. Because if you're anything like me, the second you start to question if you made the right move, you forget why you made it. So write it down."

She's right.

I did it because there where dreams of his I could not marry, and dreams of mine he did not want.

I did it because I didn't want to compromise my family, faith, and desires any more.

I did it because when it came down to it, I knew at the core of who I am, I could not marry him. That he was absolutely not who God had for me.

But oh how guilty I feel for feeling. I could have avoided this...I could have waited until he pulled the plug.

But I knew in heart he never would, and it would just keep waiting. I would wait until it was too late...or until I finally got the courage to put to death the one life I had begun to build. I and I did.

And I am better, stronger, and will be happier for it. 

Sincerely,

M