why i chose to go public with my breakup

"haha wow...that was pretty public. but honest."

one of my dearest friends was surprised at my forward and very public announcement of my break up. i imagine he wasn't wholly shocked, i really enjoy social media.

but it did trigger some thinking for me, and perhaps others are wondering why i chose to go so very public with my breakup. maybe not, but in case any one is, i wanted to put my heart out there, the way i have always tired to. 

first off, let me just say that my life is not that interesting. so i am not going to create intrigue and mystery around something that simply isn't. one of my biggest social media pet peeves is "private message me!" the comment people leave when someone comments on their cryptic post. no. not about that life. if you chose to do this, i do not judge you, just know i will not bite. if you want people to know, you post it. if you don't....don't.

second, i work to create a very realistic representation into my life. and i am all too wiling to post the smiles, laughs and precious moments. and my life is, thankfully, primarily made up of these. but there's hurt too. there's bad days and storm clouds. and i work to be authentic in what i post. so why would i not continue being who i have aimed to be from the get go?

third, i have worked hard to not drag my ex. he wasn't a bad guy. in fact he's a great guy. just not my great guy. but social media was a dividing point for us. it wasn't a deal-breaker for me, so i honored his request and stepped down from social media or limited it severely. going public and posting about my breakup was my choice. maybe that is arrogant and uncalled for, but i had the freedom to do that.

the final reason, is i wanted to let the people i have allowed into my life, into my hurt. and i did.

and you know what? i think i'm better for it.

i am better now. the last few months were faith months for me. i continued acting in love on faith alone. i thought the concerns i was having were surrender points- and i needed to love him through them. and man! i wouldn't trade that time for anything. i learned so so so much. about myself, relationships, love, what is and isn't healthy love and serving. i don't regret any of my relationship.

and i am walking into the next phase of my life with a clearer view of what is and is not important to me. and i thank him for teaching me that. i am not angry. i am not hurt. i am at peace. in fact, i'm happy. i'm happier than i have been in a long time.

if you have questions, ask them. i'm not here to create a mystery of drama. i'm an all or nothing girl, open book- what ya see is what ya get. take it or leave it :)

i'm a southern girl- sweet as pecan pie but don't cross me ;) just ask! but there's just not much more here to tell. and that's why i chose to go public with my break up.

sincerely,

m

smiling again :)

don't cry, don't cry

Countless times, I have buried my face into my pillow, and cried until my whole body is raw with the weight of it. I have drained myself of all the tears I could find up, seen my eyes stay swollen for days as a result, and felt that tight aching in my throat and chest. I have felt the indescribable rush of a thousand heartbreaks.

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Tear streamed down my face as the realization of what was before me started to sink in. How? How did I get here? I looked at my sister, blurred almost completely by the masses of tears, and choked on my own words, "I don't know how to do this, I know how to get left, I've never had to leave." And in that moment, my heart broke. I could feel the cracks running all through it. With each step I took a little piece fell, accompanied by a few tears. I was about to do something, that to me felt unthinkable, to someone I loved. To in fact, the first man I have ever been in love with.

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I chose to end it. I couldn't get over certain things, couldn't see myself married to them, and well, frankly, I didn't want to be. I chose to walk away. I had my reasons, and I will defend them.

But now, I feel guilty. I have removed from my life someone I cherished and valued, and my heart is wrenched, broken, contorted, and absolutely gutted...but I chose to end it.

I'm not allowed to cry.

I'm not allowed to be sad.

I'm not allowed to cry myself to sleep, have my breath catch at a memory, or weep over a life I once dreamed of, that is now only a memory.

I chose this.

I'm sad, and its my fault. So I'm not allowed to be sad. I wouldn't be so heartbroken if I didn't make this decision.

But I am and I did. I am so so so sad. I wish he understood that I didn't just walk away without feeling. I always thought the one walking had it easier, but oh, how false that is. This isn't easier at all. When someone leaves me, the choice is out of my hands and I just have to accept what's dealt to me. But I chose this. And I'm having a hard time reconciling it.

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One of my wise friends counseled me today. She said "write it down. Record why you left. Because if you're anything like me, the second you start to question if you made the right move, you forget why you made it. So write it down."

She's right.

I did it because there where dreams of his I could not marry, and dreams of mine he did not want.

I did it because I didn't want to compromise my family, faith, and desires any more.

I did it because when it came down to it, I knew at the core of who I am, I could not marry him. That he was absolutely not who God had for me.

But oh how guilty I feel for feeling. I could have avoided this...I could have waited until he pulled the plug.

But I knew in heart he never would, and it would just keep waiting. I would wait until it was too late...or until I finally got the courage to put to death the one life I had begun to build. I and I did.

And I am better, stronger, and will be happier for it. 

Sincerely,

M

all i want

For years now, whenever I talk about writing, I have often refereed to it as "bleeding". This morning I can think of no more accurate term. I woke up, and for just a moment I thought, maybe I'm ok now. But then the tears that feel endless once again started to flow.

God never designed us to break the way we do. But, we do. We break. We break, cause we broke the world. None of it was supposed to be like this.

And here we are, broken people trying to heal, looking for that partner in life. It's so hard when you see something you can believe it. But then your hopes start to change. You built something with someone, and you grieve it! but it's not the life you want. And you know, deep in your heart, it's not the life you were meant to live.

So you stand on the shores of those hopes and dreams, and you watch the waves carry them further and further out, until you can no longer see them. But oh how that image is burned onto your heart.

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It was the most gracious thing I could do. I firmly believe that. I walked into the relationship fully convinced that I wanted certain things. And he fell in love with that girl. And for months, I was her. I wholly felt that I wanted a certain life and way of living. But as time went on, and that muddled vision of a life became a more clear reality, I realized, ever so slowly, it was not what I wanted.

I don't want to bash him, he was one of the kindest souls I have ever known so well, and I loved him. But he taught me what I did and did not want in a life with a partner. And I thank him for that. There's nothing wrong inherently with what he wants out of life, it just took me time to realize, they were not the same things. I am just so thankful I realized and accepted these things before I walked down the aisle.

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So, was it all for nothing? Not at all. As I began seriously contemplating my relationship with him, and why I was even considering ending it, I had to ask myself why I was even entertaining those thoughts. What was going on between us that was pulling me away from him? I could see even before I left the relationship the ways that I had changed and grown, and that certain desires evolved or were solidified.

In case this hasn't been clear, I want to just reaffirm, he did nothing to cause this, hurt me, or change my mind- I simply realized, after a long time of denying it, that we were just not supposed to be together long term. Even in his pain and hurt, he was not cruel. He told me, that he would not hate me, and wish ill will towards me. He was as gracious as I believe he could be.

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So what do I want? What kind of life do I truly dream of for myself? What kind of life do I fully believe God has in store for me?

Well, I want to list them, to give names to my dreams. To love them, grow them, then surrender them.

• I want more than two kids kids. I want to have babies and adopt babies, and raise them, and put a few good people (hopefully) into the earth
• I want someone who will dance in the kitchen with me
• I want a homestead. I want to work hard with my partner to cultivate a life in the country. With gardens and dogs, and barefoot babies ( and probably also chickens and goats and maybe a horse )
  
• This is silly, and trivial, but I want someone who will let me post and brag about them, and who might even do the same for me
  
• I want someone who will watch movies with me, no matter how well or poorly executed they were
• I want someone who will bring me flowers, tuck my hair and kiss my forehead
• I want to be with someone I can go to (the same) church with, without having to potentially compromise my beliefs
• I want someone who will take an interest in my life, hopes, dreams, interests and desires as much as I will theirs
  
• I want to be with someone who will share the load of life with me; be it the distant relative we don't talk about, the dinner bill, or the circumstances we find ourselves in
• I want to know his friends, and for him to know mine, and to work to be apart of those ties we have each spent our lives building
• I want someone who will jump into my insane family, and love them
  
• I want to know I am being led, spiritually without my prompting or requesting
• I want the tidal wave of love and affection I have to give will be accepted, appreciated, and cherished

He is not a bad guy, at all. But he, in the end, is not who I can spend the rest of my life with. The life he wants to build, and the life I want to build, are wholly different. And that's ok. But we couldn't be together and both build the lives we each wanted. So I made the choice for us to each begin building our own lives.

I am becoming more who I am a designed to be by this. I am thankful for this. I am ready to live the life God has for me.

Sincerely,

M