All Things Beautiful

When I sat down last night to write up my recap on the year 2019, I opened my 10-year-old blog and clicked away on the keyboard. 

New years are often viewed as a time for refreshing, starting over, and clearing the slate. So as soon as I felt I had adequately shared my heart, and hit the "publish" button, I sat staring at my screen and wondered if the turn of a decade was a good time to say good-bye to my blog. It's seen some messy years for me- but many of my thoughts and ideas I spewed out at 17, 18, 19...I no longer agree with. 

As soon as I decided to make the jump, I set to work on the blog you now see. I knew I wanted to keep it simple in my name and design; this is one way I feel I've grown. I no longer want flashy, bright, bold, in-your-face colors and patterns. I still like glitter and gold, but more subtly added than the center of attention. Classy, but simpler. 

Part of what I'm learning is to just be an open book. If you use what you learn about me against me- that's your choice- but I want to be the most transparent, real, genuine person I can be. Not that I've been fake and shady up until now, but that in this phase of life I want to be a nothing-held-back kind of girl. 

I picture myself, arms outstretched, hair blowing in the wind kind of free. I don't want to be anything less than authentic. And one of the best ways for me to do that was to just simply be me. Do away with the fancy graphics and the cute "about me" pages, no more "bio here" and artsy pictures of my profile. I just want to sit and have a cup of coffee with my readers. To share my heart, and hopefully gain the trust to be able to hear yours. I don't care if 2 people read this or 2000. I want whatever is read to matter to who reads it, and I don't want fluff and frills in the way of that. 

So here at the dawn of a new year and new decade, I want to embrace the clean simplicity. I want to purge my home of clutter, my heart of lies, and my social media of my time. And those will be my only set "goals" because unattainable resolutions so often lead to failure, so let's just keep it simple. Let's just decide to change one facet of our life. In January. In May. In October. Whenever. You don't need a new year to make a change. But whenever you decide to set new goals for yourself, set ones you know you can reach. 

As I sit here and ponder the new of 2020, I can't help but ponder the first part of Ecclesiastes 3:11, and thank Him for making all things, including my heart, beautiful in its time.

2019: Darkness & Grace

Looking back on the year 2019, there are two overarching themes, and they happen to be a high and a low:

Darkness & Grace

I faced darkness of several kinds this year and would say that 2019 was the darkest year I had personally ever experienced. I experienced multiple losses, of various kinds, many different life changes, and several heartbreaks.

I found myself struggling to identify my faith as my own and holding fast to it in those dark times. I know it's true- and I know it can be true for me, but would He be good to me? There were times when I felt like His goodness was completely absent from me, and I felt despair like never before more this year than any other time in my life.

In addition to working on my faith and feeling unsuccessful and dealing with a number of losses, my health decided to decline in a major, and financially draining, way. It went from an occasional nuisance thing to an ongoing battle to become and stay healthy. I almost wish I could say it was the same recurring illness and I had a plan for how to tackle this obstacle- but where there have been a few repeats, it seems it's a continually changing diagnosis. I took my first trip to the ER, and have been on more medications than I care to admit. It's been humbling as someone who is almost always on the go to have to hit the pause button and be still for so much of the past 6 or so months.

Towards the end of my year, I began struggling actively at work, and just before Christmas, in something of an odd turn of events, I was let go. It wasn't what I was expecting and I'm not going to lie: it knocked me off my feet. I've spent my holiday season with a sore and anxious heart and struggled with fear and anxiety attacks. I've applied to over 200 jobs and struggled against feeling discouraged because I am either not qualified or just not hearing back.

But

God

In the midst of all this darkness this year, grace oozed from God's people and onto my bleeding heart. It took me a long time to fall back onto that, but once I finally did and accepted His grace and love as endless as they are, I found all my broken pieces at His feet.

The past three months have involved me picking up each piece, mourning over its unique brokenness, and finally surrendering it to Him, and thanking Him for His grace.

Grace to see me through

Grace to love me "even though" and "even when"

Grace when all I feel is darkness

Grace when I feel I'm too far removed to feel Him

Grace when I'm not sure how to move on

Grace above and beyond what I deserve

Grace isn't just for the good and the saintly, it's for me. The struggling and the hopeful, the desperate and the desirous, the lonely and the unholy.

I am unholy, and this is why we ask Him to refine us. And this is what His grace is for- He shrouds us in His grace, unendingly, and where would we be without it- I do not want to know.

2019 began and ended with a lot of heaviness for me- but it has not been without its lessons, without its memories, and without its faith-instilling moments. I would not wish a lot of what happened to be repeated, but I would not change a moment of it. I am made who I am today by the story God had for me in 2019.

And I am proud of who I am today. I am happier than I have been in a long, long time. And given my current circumstances, you wouldn't think I should or could be. But God has restored to me joy that I have been missing since childhood. I laugh and find joy again, and I am thankful. I have more love in my heart for the people in my life than I ever thought possible. And I am more excited about this coming year than I have been for several years now.

If I have learned anything this year, it's that darkness is an opportunity to relish in the Light of the World. To bask in the glow His people can cast. To praise Him for His grace and mercy, and to walk by faith.

Happy 2020 everybody, may we all draw closer to Him this coming year!