sincerely, just m: June 2021

wow. it's always so long between posts now. i'm thankful my last post wasn't such a downer..it seems whenever i have made it to the blog the last few years, that's all it has been. i have never experienced darkness like i have the last long, and seemingly endless, season of life. some of it was a result of choices i made, some of it not. but despite how it felt walking through it, that season did in fact come to an end. unlike the big crescendo of a fantastic drama, however, it ended in phases. the Father graciously wrapped up one hurt at a time, allowing me the space in my heart to process and appreciate His grace and restoration. was it the way i wanted it? no. i wanted it all over the moment i began feeling the light slip out of my grasp. but it happened exactly the way it ought to have. it happened by glorious design. and i wouldn't change it for anything. the radical change and redemption i have had in my heart, mind and life is one i would not have personally had without the journey on which i found myself. i made some truly wretched decisions, that hurt others and myself, i experienced remarkable hurt and unbearable circumstances. but God...works all things together for our good, and His glory. for so long during this time, that did not seem possible or attainable- impractical really. i got to the place where i believed the damage done was beyond healing. it felt like a mountain i would never scale. there were so many broken relationships and trusts...i was never going to come back from it all.

or so i thought.

despite my stubborn and ignorant grip on all the things that were standing between me and my radical pursuit of Christ, He saw fit to instead remove them from me. you don't want to go willingly? ok. but if that is His plan, guess what sister, sooner or later His plan will come to fruition. i've learned, that when the hurting happens, growth is coming, and healing can be the result. we aren't puppets. when we get on board and decide to trust the process of redemption work, we have the opportunity to step into supernatural happenings. we get a front row seat, no a leading role in the life altering work of Christ. miracles don't just happen in the Bible. they might not happen the same way, but they do in fact happen. i look back now and i wonder how many angels i encountered the last few years. how many other things was i graciously protected from? how many times were there groanings beyond comprehension on my behalf? how many times did the hope of those who love me rise, only for me to break their hearts, once again? and how, beyond all logical reason, did they continue to love, support and pray for me, despite the way i pushed and pushed and pushed them?

i sit here now, relishing in the grace i have experienced, and praise Him deeply for the grace He has extended. not just to me in coming home, but to those around me, to welcome me back with open arms, and say "what once was lost has been found, let us celebrate"

i confess, when the ugly stuff really started working out, "celebrate" was a far cry from where i was. i was mourning, hurting, angry and confused. but God is not a god of confusion. and as i slowly began my crawl back into his presence, the chaos in my mind began sorting out. i was able to begin seeing more clearly all i had been spared from, to see how those around me were literally being Christ to me, and that healing through Grace by Christ alone, was indeed not only possible, but His desire. our God desires restoration- we have seen it has been his pattern since the Fall. why did i think i was so special to think that didn't also apply to me?

but now here i am, on the other side of all the things that nearly ruined me. "celebrate" is the word that exudes my every pore. i see no one as "hopeless" or "too far gone" now. i see hurting, broken people who are perfect candidates for redemption. if you grew up around the church talk or not, you're still the 99<1 to him. and now, because of the road i have walked, i am now able to see you too as worth every sacrifice made on your behalf.

grace doesn't run out. and it won't. trust me, i have chased as far down the line of grace as i saw possible, but every time i thought "this is it- this is where grace ends" there was more grace. and the phrase that has gotten me through, that i ended up tattooing onto my body, is "grace on grace" i had not turned my back on God, but i stopped investing in the relationship, and invested instead in destructive behavior. and when things felt like they were going to crush me, i would cling to the fact that there was grace waiting for me. i'm only sorry it took me so long to actually live like there was.

i'm sorry for the hurt i caused. but i'm not sorry one bit that it has caused me to experience a deep and radical change in my heart. that i have had the privilege to weep at the feet of Jesus, and feel in my heart an literal weight being removed, as if He said "i've been waiting for you to lay that here" it's not that he wasn't willing, i wasn't willing! i have lived out and experienced forgiveness like i read about for years. but that same miraculous extension i see in the Gospels, was extended to me! what joy to not only know that that gift is there for the taking, but to take it and hold it deeply in my heart! and be able to (hopefully) display that same love, forgiveness and grace to others!

yes, there has indeed been some intense construction in my life the last few months. some internal, some external, but all orchestrated by the gracious hand of God.

so let's get into some nitty gritty, shall we? i'm going to start where the healing practically did- which was november.

came

home

literally. i had made what became the move that set everything to unravel. and after only two weeks in what was my own personalized hell, i broke. i shattered. i called my brother-in-law, and asked him if i could come home. he didn't think twice. he said "leave now, get out, we have a bed waiting for you." i made what felt like the endless four hour drive to their home, and wept the whole way. i had thrown my whole life, and every relationship i had, away and in two short weeks my entire world: every hope, dream, and plan erupted and left me in its destructive wake. i have never in my life, and i pray never again, felt so lost. so broken. and so aimless. i don't think there was a single moment on that whole drive that my eyes were dry or my throat not raw or my heart not literally aching within my chest. the ironic thing is, i thought that was the hard part.

but as soon as i walked into their home the weight of every decision of the previous two years set in- and the whole of my story just rushed out of me like vomit. every word, every recounting, every memory it triggered tasted foul on my own mouth. i felt like i was in this place because i deserved it. here i was, weeping in my sisters living room, no job, no home, every relationship shattered, debt beyond my ability and a car i could not afford, and absolutely no idea what to do next.

how do you go home?

simple. you go home.

one mile at a time. one step at a time. one change at a time.

and despite how overwhelming it felt, that's exactly what i did. for months, i was a shell of me, even more than i had been the last several months. i was completely void of emotion, personality..anything. i was broken.

but this is exactly where i needed to be!! every empty hole in my heart needed to be rebuilt and refilled with the love of Christ, so i could be made truly into His image. and that work is still being done. every day. and will continue until i die. but i was a blank and broken canvas- and i was getting a do over. a second chance. a gracious second look.

i arrived home home just before thanksgiving. my favorite holiday feels unrecognizable. i remember so little from that time. i was weeping every night. worried still about the ongoing consequences of the life i had made for myself. and despite the enormous hurt i had come through, i was not yet truly broken. i still hoped somewhere in my heart, that it was all a nightmare i was going to wake up from- and the way things had played out were not actually how they were going to play out.

at the end of december, i determined to read my Bible every day. i selected a plan on the app where it takes you through chronologically in a year. am i a raging theologian? absolutely not. nor do i anticipate i ever will be. but it was an effort i had not had in years. i now have a 173 day streak in the Bible. and for where i was and am, that's just the boost i need to keep on going. just that little encouragement, of "youre back again today, and you were here yesterday, and by faith you'll be here again tomorrow." what a difference a few minutes at the dawn of my day in the Word has truly made.

by january it was abundantly clear, i needed to begin reconstructing my life. where i had been on the job hunt, i upped my ante and landed one i thought was pretty great. i was being paid well and working close to home. i really felt like "i might actually get back onto my feet" but after only 3 weeks, for absurd and female ugliness reasons- i was let go. and i was heartbroken. my boss was awesome and i loved the job. to be fired cos someone didnt like me? wasn't the blow i needed at the time. or so i thought.

it was exactly the blow i needed. i was. not. broken enough. the day after my last day, i was offered a new job. it paid less, was further away, and had coworkers i did not fit in with. but by february i began to truly experience real change.

i dreaded going to work, but i began working on my heart's mindset and told myself every day "you have a job" i never did truly fall in love with that job, but i learned to find ways to enjoy it. it was during this time that some of the most intense changes happened for me.

i finally went back to a doctor, and got my medications sorted out- since for ~reasons- i had stopped taking all of them. i began to feel a sense of myself returning, like i wasn't just a shell anymore.

i began actively working on relationships. talking to people, reaching out to old friends, reconnecting and reviving. with each new milestone, my heart was more unburdened and more encouraged to keep on working towards restoration. all the while, in my minds eye, it felt like i was running and God as my coach kept shouting in my ear "i've given you what you need to keep going" and that's exactly what i did.

after a few months at the job, i finally received a significant amount from the accident i was in. in one moment, every debt i had- a weight that literally cost me sleep and appetite, was wiped away.

a car tied to horrible memories, i was freed from.

medical debt from said accident was finally wrapped up.

and i was finally able to pick out a car that i wanted. and drive it without debt looming over my head.

once i began to see practical changes of more stability in my life, i started looking for a job i truly wanted.

and to my surprise, i found it! three going on four weeks ago, i started a job i've wanted for years. and i'm loving it! i've been so crazy beyond blessed.

several weeks ago- i made a huge step in my road to restoration. and i went back to my home church. i had still been attending church, but in some capacity, it was an escape- i did not want to go back. but being back has been the last touch of balm i needed. its been the urge i have needed to keep doing the hard work.

all this healing. all this redemption. all this restoration. parts of myself that had seemed to die so long ago, began to wake up and spring forth. i was laughing again, i was silly again! i was plugging into my family again. having conversations with my parents again. getting coffee with my sister again. i was finally witnessing on the external, what had been working out on the internal. with the spring of this year, came a beautiful rendering of my own soul. i finally felt truly alive. i felt joy. i experienced emotion again (if you know me, you know i cry all the time- something i hadn't done much of for a while) i now freely express myself and weep when i feel i need to weep- be it joy or mourning, i feel deeply again. all those holes and cracks and shattered bits have begun to feel like they are being put right again.

in the midst of this hurt healing, and joy rising, the Lord saw fit to meet my ache for companionship. i have always longed for my partner. and when i felt i was ready, and after praying for a while and conferring with my therapist, despite it being "too soon" for some, i put myself back out there. there were a few times i felt "this was too soon" but at what i truly believe was the right time, there was my J. having had a story of his own, we found each other, realized we had many mutual connections, and hurts that could be shared, and we fell in love. every moment with him is a blessing. the way he kisses the top of my head when im mad at myself for being too emotional. the way he graciously always points me back to Christ. the way he has lovingly stepped into my healing and touched those hurts with tender hands. i believe firmly in my heart, that the Father brought him at the right time, in the right way, and by His own perfect design. J is the biggest blessing of my life. he is a gift i regularly praise the Father for.

i sit here now, and look back on all i have come through. i am overwhelmed. that girl feels like such a stranger. how did i intentionally cause such incredible pain to those who have loved me since birth? i will never comprehend that. at the time, i did not consider how my actions would impact them so. but i see it now. i still see those hurts on some faces, and work up the courage to reach out and address them. its been messy, but oh so worth it. the bonds i have with those around me now are far stronger than they ever have been. the motivation i have to continue cultivating healthy and Christ-centered relationships only grows stronger every day. i am continually left speechless when i consider the mud i was pulled out from, the squalor i was saved from, and the life i was rescued from. i would not be here today, if Christ had not pushed aside the logic of my mind, for the supernatural healing of His hand.

God be praised.

you all be blessed.

love forever,