2019: Darkness & Grace

Looking back on the year 2019, there are two overarching themes, and they happen to be a high and a low:

Darkness & Grace

I faced darkness of several kinds this year and would say that 2019 was the darkest year I had personally ever experienced. I experienced multiple losses, of various kinds, many different life changes, and several heartbreaks.

I found myself struggling to identify my faith as my own and holding fast to it in those dark times. I know it's true- and I know it can be true for me, but would He be good to me? There were times when I felt like His goodness was completely absent from me, and I felt despair like never before more this year than any other time in my life.

In addition to working on my faith and feeling unsuccessful and dealing with a number of losses, my health decided to decline in a major, and financially draining, way. It went from an occasional nuisance thing to an ongoing battle to become and stay healthy. I almost wish I could say it was the same recurring illness and I had a plan for how to tackle this obstacle- but where there have been a few repeats, it seems it's a continually changing diagnosis. I took my first trip to the ER, and have been on more medications than I care to admit. It's been humbling as someone who is almost always on the go to have to hit the pause button and be still for so much of the past 6 or so months.

Towards the end of my year, I began struggling actively at work, and just before Christmas, in something of an odd turn of events, I was let go. It wasn't what I was expecting and I'm not going to lie: it knocked me off my feet. I've spent my holiday season with a sore and anxious heart and struggled with fear and anxiety attacks. I've applied to over 200 jobs and struggled against feeling discouraged because I am either not qualified or just not hearing back.

But

God

In the midst of all this darkness this year, grace oozed from God's people and onto my bleeding heart. It took me a long time to fall back onto that, but once I finally did and accepted His grace and love as endless as they are, I found all my broken pieces at His feet.

The past three months have involved me picking up each piece, mourning over its unique brokenness, and finally surrendering it to Him, and thanking Him for His grace.

Grace to see me through

Grace to love me "even though" and "even when"

Grace when all I feel is darkness

Grace when I feel I'm too far removed to feel Him

Grace when I'm not sure how to move on

Grace above and beyond what I deserve

Grace isn't just for the good and the saintly, it's for me. The struggling and the hopeful, the desperate and the desirous, the lonely and the unholy.

I am unholy, and this is why we ask Him to refine us. And this is what His grace is for- He shrouds us in His grace, unendingly, and where would we be without it- I do not want to know.

2019 began and ended with a lot of heaviness for me- but it has not been without its lessons, without its memories, and without its faith-instilling moments. I would not wish a lot of what happened to be repeated, but I would not change a moment of it. I am made who I am today by the story God had for me in 2019.

And I am proud of who I am today. I am happier than I have been in a long, long time. And given my current circumstances, you wouldn't think I should or could be. But God has restored to me joy that I have been missing since childhood. I laugh and find joy again, and I am thankful. I have more love in my heart for the people in my life than I ever thought possible. And I am more excited about this coming year than I have been for several years now.

If I have learned anything this year, it's that darkness is an opportunity to relish in the Light of the World. To bask in the glow His people can cast. To praise Him for His grace and mercy, and to walk by faith.

Happy 2020 everybody, may we all draw closer to Him this coming year!