For years now, whenever I talk about writing, I have often refereed to it as "bleeding". This morning I can think of no more accurate term. I woke up, and for just a moment I thought, maybe I'm ok now. But then the tears that feel endless once again started to flow.
God never designed us to break the way we do. But, we do. We break. We break, cause we broke the world. None of it was supposed to be like this.
And here we are, broken people trying to heal, looking for that partner in life. It's so hard when you see something you can believe it. But then your hopes start to change. You built something with someone, and you grieve it! but it's not the life you want. And you know, deep in your heart, it's not the life you were meant to live.
So you stand on the shores of those hopes and dreams, and you watch the waves carry them further and further out, until you can no longer see them. But oh how that image is burned onto your heart.
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It was the most gracious thing I could do. I firmly believe that. I walked into the relationship fully convinced that I wanted certain things. And he fell in love with that girl. And for months, I was her. I wholly felt that I wanted a certain life and way of living. But as time went on, and that muddled vision of a life became a more clear reality, I realized, ever so slowly, it was not what I wanted.
I don't want to bash him, he was one of the kindest souls I have ever known so well, and I loved him. But he taught me what I did and did not want in a life with a partner. And I thank him for that. There's nothing wrong inherently with what he wants out of life, it just took me time to realize, they were not the same things. I am just so thankful I realized and accepted these things before I walked down the aisle.
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So, was it all for nothing? Not at all. As I began seriously contemplating my relationship with him, and why I was even considering ending it, I had to ask myself why I was even entertaining those thoughts. What was going on between us that was pulling me away from him? I could see even before I left the relationship the ways that I had changed and grown, and that certain desires evolved or were solidified.
In case this hasn't been clear, I want to just reaffirm, he did nothing to cause this, hurt me, or change my mind- I simply realized, after a long time of denying it, that we were just not supposed to be together long term. Even in his pain and hurt, he was not cruel. He told me, that he would not hate me, and wish ill will towards me. He was as gracious as I believe he could be.
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So what do I want? What kind of life do I truly dream of for myself? What kind of life do I fully believe God has in store for me?
Well, I want to list them, to give names to my dreams. To love them, grow them, then surrender them.
- I want more than two kids kids. I want to have babies and adopt babies, and raise them, and put a few good people (hopefully) into the earth
- I want someone who will dance in the kitchen with me
- I want a homestead. I want to work hard with my partner to cultivate a life in the country. With gardens and dogs, and barefoot babies ( and probably also chickens and goats and maybe a horse )
- This is silly, and trivial, but I want someone who will let me post and brag about them, and who might even do the same for me
- I want someone who will watch movies with me, no matter how well or poorly executed they were
- I want someone who will bring me flowers, tuck my hair and kiss my forehead
- I want to be with someone I can go to (the same) church with, without having to potentially compromise my beliefs
- I want someone who will take an interest in my life, hopes, dreams, interests and desires as much as I will theirs
- I want to be with someone who will share the load of life with me; be it the distant relative we don't talk about, the dinner bill, or the circumstances we find ourselves in
- I want to know his friends, and for him to know mine, and to work to be apart of those ties we have each spent our lives building
- I want someone who will jump into my insane family, and love them
- I want to know I am being led, spiritually without my prompting or requesting
- I want the tidal wave of love and affection I have to give will be accepted, appreciated, and cherished
He is not a bad guy, at all. But he, in the end, is not who I can spend the rest of my life with. The life he wants to build, and the life I want to build, are wholly different. And that's ok. But we couldn't be together and both build the lives we each wanted. So I made the choice for us to each begin building our own lives.
I am becoming more who I am a designed to be by this. I am thankful for this. I am ready to live the life God has for me.
Sincerely,
M
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