Bitter like you

 "I'm not sorry for how I'm about to start acting- I been too nice for too long"

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It would bother me how rude he was to wait staff. I found myself being over the top friendly and kind to them, trying to compensate for how harsh and cold he was. I would give them a look, trying to convey my apologies for how he had just treated them. I was embarrassed by his behavior. He acted like they were less than him, and he had no qualms letting them know he thought as much. 

He adopted this belief- that because he had been kind and screwed over, he now no longer had to be kind to anybody- including me. We would often have the following conversation:

 

"I'm probably going to cheat on you"

"Why would you do that?"

"Cos it's what was done to me"

"And that makes it right?"

"Nope."

 

That kind of thinking permeated every crease of our relationship. But for months, it hadn't. It was like someone threw the switch and all the sudden I was dating the Grinch's evil cousin. He never laughed or smiled anymore. And he refused to pull his mind off of the hurt he had experienced. He could not look past the way he had been done dirty. 

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I sat in bed this morning and I stared straight forward and honest to God, I can't tell you how long I sat there for. I had several phone calls to make- and I knew I would be put on hold for many of them. I wasn't looking forward to my morning on the phone.  Two holds and three transfers into the first phone call, I could feel my cynicism rising. I mumbled under my breath at how incompetent "these people" were being. Then it hit me. I was starting to think the way he had. The very way that drove us apart. The very way that our relationship was sacrificed for. He and I could not stay together because he was so consumed by how he had been treated, and treated everyone with bitter anger as a result. How am I any better if I do what he has done? What if I continue down this path and sabotage my next relationship because of how I have been treated, and the cycle of hurt, betrayal and anger continues? 

I stopped and took a deep breath. I am exhausted. The weight I let out in that sigh hardly brought relief to my heart. But it's not their fault. They're just trying to help me. I called them after all, didn't I? I finished with my first call, and chose for the next one to treat them the way I always did. I was still put on hold 5 times and transferred once, but I made it through the call without getting angry. Angry is not my nature. And I will not adopt it. I've been more hurt than I ever thought I would be and be able to sustain- but angry has not and will not be my mantra.

 

I finished what I needed to and considered how his mindset really drove us apart. It didn't how much I begged for him to put his mental energy into our relationship, I had him in body, but his heart and mind were somewhere else. I spent the last two months hearing endlessly about his ex. I wish, I wish, I WISH I was over-exaggerating. 

 

IF by some miracle we did manage to talk about something else, it wouldn't last more than 5 minutes- and his face would glaze back over. His jaw would set. And his eyes narrow and grow cold. She was back on his mind. He was mulling back over the ways she'd hurt him. And I was left sitting there, trying to bring him back. 

He would get so angry and depressed- I spent hours and hours trying to bring him out of it. But he simply did not want to and therefore would not. He delighted in fueling his anger, and chose not to put the effort into moving on. 

I spent all my time with him talking about his ex- and it ruined me. It ruined our relationship. It absolutely drained me. I gave and gave and gave to give him a reason to keep going, to be the one that consumed his thoughts and to become his new dream. But he didn't want to. And so our relationship was thrust into an incredibly toxic pattern. 

I'm hurting. I am licking my wounds with the energy I can muster. But I will not become like him. I will not ruin the next person I get the privilege of loving because it is what was done to me. 

I cannot. 

I will not be bitter like him.