Dead Alive

I am convinced that the greatest loss we as humans can face, is not the death of a loved one, but the death of something inside ourselves or someone we love- and being forced to go on living. It's like looking down and seeing a massive hole right through us, and still having to breathe. Its like existing in the body of a stranger. I don't know myself anymore. 

I am in the darkest time of my life, and everything that made up my quirky, happy-go-lucky self- has been murdered. I am tired. And not the tired sleep can fix. 

I have been in the midst of hell with a constant drain on my energy and never a return to my empty reservoir. I loved another soul with every fiber of my being, and it was taken for granted- then it was assumed. Then it was abused. But one thing it never was, was enough. 

I sacrificed everything to be with them, and when I left, it was like it did not matter. 

Tears streamed down my face, and screams and cries rose up from broken, ungodly places- and they did not care. They put my clothes in my car, rubbed my hand and jet off down the road without so much as a backwards glance. 

It's been two days and my throat is still raw from the strain of endless crying. Even sleep has offered no relief. I toss and turn and the agony physically plagues me. My chest is in actual pain right now. I have never been in so much emotional turmoil. 

 

I spent months holding together the person I cared most about, only to be tossed to the side without a second thought. I've never wished harm on another person. And I still won't. But I do hope someday they wake up and realize the enormity of what happened- that they murdered a soul- which is worse than murdering a life. Because I have to go on living, with all my drive, all my ambition, all my passion just- gone. Completely zapped out of me. 

 

Every day I drag myself out of bed, through my day and dread the night. It's an endless and brutal cycle. 

 

I will tell my whole story. It will all come out, and ugly things (even my own) will be exposed. But for now I am tired. I am so tired.