disappointed

 everyone in my life has wrapped their head around the fact that who i thought he was, isn't who he was. but i haven't. and my heart still aches to be with the man i fell in love with- really who he is or not, that person, i love with every fiber of my being. 

everyone is so happy for me to be back- but the reality is, i am not. i watched my relationship be ripped apart from the inside out. and it didn't matter how hard i tried to save it- i couldn't do it. 

the reality is, i couldn't because who i loved isn't who he was. but my reality was not that. my reality was that i watched the gentle, sweet, loving man i intimately adored become a bitter, angry, and verbally abusive narcissist.

i watched every drop of what we had built melt into a pool of lies and deceit. i sacrificed everything to make things work with him- but it didn't matter. my relationship was sabotaged, and there was nothing i could have done differently. 

i came home because i had nowhere else to go. i had no other way to turn. i was broken. i was living with him, but i had never felt more alone that i did during that time. 

i'm thankful i had a loving family to come home to- don't get me wrong- but its absolutely not what i wanted. i was hoping for a marriage, and a baby, and a happily ever after. when things got messy, we rushed them, and they got messier. i understand all of that. 

but understand this- my heart is broken in all kinds of pieces. two wrongs didn't make it right. it was all just wrong, wrong, wrong. but it's so incredibly painful. 

i am irritable and sad and angry. my life has continually not turned out how i hoped it would. 

the facts don't care- my reality was what it was. and my heart is absolutely gutted. 

i'll be fine. its gonna take a while to process through it all, but i will be ok.