drained

i stood in front of the mirror for a long time today. not in a vain way. i was wearing a worn out tshirt from three or four jobs ago, day old hair, no make up, my cat pajama pants on. i just stood there, just looking at me. my face looked so....old. i noted the involuntary downturn of both my mouth and my eyes, not a sight i am used to seeing on myself. and i don't like it. 

i sneered at myself. i look terrible. my eyes look sunken in and dark. are those wrinkles? i cant decide if the stress is making me gain or lose weight but either way, i just don't look good. 

i look so...void. 

i remember telling him, "everything i'm looking forward to, you've just decided we're not doing!" 

every little getaway, canceled. event, turned down. every project, quit. it didn't matter what it was, he just decided, we weren't going to be apart of it. i had nothing to look forward to anymore. every day was just- survive. he sucked the life out of me, and took away anything i was excited about. he was cruel, and i'm not even sure he realized just how cruel. 

i don't even remember when i went into survival mode. but i can't seem to get myself out of it. 

so this morning, as i stood there taking in the sorry sight of me, i asked and let the question hang in the heavy air between myself and my reflection "how much more can you take?" 

i just need a leg up. one firm step in the right direction and i might not feel so utterly lost. 

i have nothing to look forward to. i have fears plaguing my mind i don't talk about. some i do like, i have a financial strain on me, and not only no income- i have nothing there for the strain to pull from. i have few job prospects and even fewer i'm excited about. 

but there's other things too. there's other fears i don't know how to name. other fears i don't know how to categorize or combat. other regrets i don't want to acknowledge or come to terms with.

i broke down on my mom "it feels like i'm drowning...i can see the surface of the water, but i just can't reach it. and every time i thrust my hand through, something drags me back down, and i'm left looking at the blurry and distant chance of breathing again. it's always just out of reach."

i confessed for the first time ever that i am deeply sad and truthfully, in despair. i see no way out. i see no solutions. i see no end to unconventional living. i feel only dread weighting down upon me. 

more mornings than not i lay in bed and just stare at the ceiling. hours pass in this manor. it sits on my chest and i can't move from beneath its weight. it's usually some outside force that moves me from this place. 

i sat with a friend this afternoon, and regurgitated the events of the last year+ to her. 

she had this sad sort of joyful look in her eye, like she was sorry i had gone through everything i had, but also like she knew something i don't yet. oddly enough for the first time since my world came crashing down, i felt hopeful. clearly she could see something i can't. and maybe that means some day i will see it too.