angry

 It's been a week. 

One week ago, I cracked my eyes open to see the window in my sisters guest bedroom. Not the old dingy paneling in the bedroom I had come to expect each morning. No, this one was bright white and filled with warm, glowing sunlight. 

"How did I let myself get here?" 

I laid in bed looking out the window for actual hours. I couldn't get myself up any sooner. I hated everything I had done and how it sat on me and dreaded everything ahead of me.

And that's where I am no. No job, about to have to give up my car, back in my parents house...I feel like I'm the same frustrated kid I was 5 years ago- but angrier. 

NOTHING has gone the way I hoped, dreamed or planned. It doesn't matter who's rule book I have played by- it doesn't matter which dream I have honed in on- I can't seem to get ahead in life. All life seems to enjoy doing for me, is knocking me down. 

 

Don't believe me or think I'm being dramatic? I have spent 5 years absolutely inexplicably sick all the time, several moves, can't keep a job longer than a few months either due to terrible pay, terrible management or a combination, I have been in and out of very unhealthy relationships, or ones where I just didn't measure up for them so I was tossed aside, I was in a wreck that totaled my car and has drained me financially dry. I have sustained loss, hurt, rape, defeat, exhaustion to an unidentifiable level, hopelessness, and absolute despair. 

I. Have. Nothing. I am near about penniless, stressed out, feel like I have to perform now to keep everyone's minds at ease.

Put on a smile, don't recluse, show up, be present, be apart, find drive, find ambition, don't wallow, get up, go do, be. etc. etc. etc. 

I'm exhausted. I don't want to do any of those things. 

I want to curl up and lick my wounds for a while. I need to rest and restore my heart- I can't keep worrying about everyone else its all I have ever done. For once I feel like I need to focus on me. I need to build me for a little bit. I need to do what I need to do. And I need everyone else to just meet me where I am, or not at all. Because I am too tired to offer you anything different. I do not have it any me any more. And that's what I am going to do. I have nothing else to lose. I am going to heal me. And a lot of people aren't going to like it. Oh well. I deserve to be a whole, healthy person. And I'm not. 

 

So yeah. I'm gonna spend some time to myself, hurting and struggling. I'm going to spend some time reflecting and researching and writing. I'm going to spend some time with friends or family- but I'm going to need respect when I am not able to mentally do so. I'm going to need to not be peppered with questions- I already know I get irritable. I will open up when I am ready- but I've spent so long wearing my heart on my sleeve and y'all, it hurts out there. I'm not laying it down in wet cement and trying to help it dry up- but I am tucking it away for a little while.  Box with a key sort of thing. 

I know a lot of people feel like "but all I want to do is love you" trust me- I've been there. But sometimes the most loving thing you can do is just be available. 

I'm angry. I'm angry at the world, at God, at how my life has turned out. Let me work through that. Angry people don't reason, don't want to be coddled, and don't need to be chastised. We already know. It's why we are angry.