Redeem My Love Song

I fell in love with a farmer. 

I found him, because I looked for him y'all, I straight up joined Farmers Only to find this guy. I wanted that life before I almost had that life with him. 

I want a country love song kind of romance. I want a slow dance in the kitchen, love me till I'm old and gray, build the life, raise the babies, face the challenges, embrace the little moments kind of love. I wanted those things before I almost had that life with him.

I wanted the animals, and the bonfires, and the mess of kids, and the life in the country. And I wanted that before I almost had that with him!

I didn't want these things as a result of being with him. And it kind of pisses me off when people tell me "you only like that cos of him" 

Noooohohoho I do not! Thank you ma'am, I was with him because I wanted those things. Not the other way around. I will get a little irate if you say this sort of thing to me. No, no ma'am, he didn't build me. I built me. I know what I want and I know what I'm after, and I know that the only part he had to play is that he wanted (or said he did) the same things.

Those dreams don't die with my relationship with him. I wanted those things before him, I want them after him. Thank. U. Next.

As you can tell, I get kind of bent out of shape when I'm accused of  this sort of thing. And yet. There is a thing, a most precious thing- a love song, that I cannot break from memories with him. It was a song I had been holding in my heart for years. It's my favorite love song. And I wanted to keep it for "the one" to share it with them. 

He and I would swap love songs back and forth, send new ones we heard that made us think of the other, or digging into the oldies and sharing timeless tunes with the other.

Then one day he told me, there was a very special song he wanted to share with me. It strayed from the country love songs we usually shared- it was one his grandparents would slow dance to. He had vivid memories of his Pop turning on the vinyl and swaying with his nanny in the kitchen- old and gray, and still just as in love as ever. 

And he sent to me the song I had had in my heart for years. The song I knew would be shared with my forever and always love. 

Is this stupid beyond all reason that it's one of the things I can't get over? Probably. But music holds a special place in my heart- and he touched a tender and secret place in me when he sent that one. And it became our most special song.

We spent many moments slow dancing in our kitchen to it, listening to it when we were feeling generally in love with the other. We would send it to the other when we were especially missing. It was a song that ran a cord through our relationship and bound our hearts together. We dreamed of first dancing at our wedding to it. It was our song.

I still can't listen to it. 

I loved that song before him. I loved a lot of things before him that I have been able to separate from him. Why can't I detach the sentiment of this song from him? I've been able to for most of the other songs, and just about all of the other things. Why is this one thing, that I loved before him, one I cannot remove from my memories with him?

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.

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I started a TikTok, joking not joking, and honestly, it's been fun. But I've started a "haha I'm single again" series called "Oddly specific requirements for my next relationship" because- well I've learned some things. 

But I'm not laughing right now. My heart is sad. I'm still skipping that song. 

And I need the next guy, to hopefully be the last guy, and to be the guy that redeems my love song. 

I don't want it to be bound any longer to a man who destroyed my dreams and wrecked my spirit. I have worked so hard to rebuild myself- but I need the right man to help me reclaim this song. To rewrite this connection. 

I hunger for that touch. 

~M